Swanson Warrior

This guy used to drink in my bar. I don't know his real name--he had big nostrils, like Babe Ruth, so we called him 'Chunnel'. He was a lousy tipper.



So, Chunnel, heard you got a new piece. Let's see it.
(Proudly) OK, check it out.

Alright...so kind of a warrior...sort of Boba Fett meets an Aztec warrior...with Moon Boot-sandals.
No, it is from "Spartan Warrior"...the game.

Oh. Why does he carry the big pie?
Pie? That is his shield.

It looks just like a pot-pie...It even has the crimping around the edge of the crust.
It is a shield, that has been through battle. See? Those are battle scars.

No, they are the "one inch slits in crust, to allow steam to vent."
(no response)


Is HE the Pie-man from Simple Simon? I always pictured him as being a lot less mean, ya know? Kind of chubby and happy.
(pouting/frowning)

I like his skirt, though.
Fuck you, man.






Extra deduction for leaving before I could do any Sparta/Spartan jokes. Wuss.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I sure do like pie.





--

Chinese Democracy

This is my friend Tracy. I have known her for years.
She is just like one of the guys, except she has a vagina, and boobs. She is cool.
Not just for the vagina and boob thing though.




Hey Tracy, heard you got a new tattoo. Let's see it
No fuckin' way. I am in no mood for your shit.

Come on...
No.

I promise I won't say anything about it.
Yeah, right. OK...say anything bad, and I will slap you.


It reminds me of that picture in LIFE magazine...
It is "Guns & Roses"

...of the hippies putting flowers in the soldier's guns... Wait, did you just say "Guns & Roses?"
Yes, Guns & Roses.

But it is just one gun, and one rose.
It is my Guns & Roses tattoo.

No, It is your "Gun and Rose" tattoo. You need another gun, and another rose.
See, this is why Jessica dumped you. You take everything so literally.

Jessica dumped me because I wouldn't stop smoking...or fucking Michelle. And this is why Tim dumped you. You do everything half-assed.
Did he say that?


No, he said he dumped you because you don't understand plurals.
I hate you.

Call me later...
You wish.





Extra deduction for not calling.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am going to pretend to like the new record no matter how bad it is.






--

Don't Ask--Don't Tell--Don't Matter

Celebrities love to tell the general public their sexual preferences, (doggy style is my favorite...FYI) and I suppose that a superhero is as "celebrity" as it gets...sort of.
Well, some of us have always suspected that Batman and Robin were more than just SuperFriends--they were downright creepy sometimes...usually... always.

Bruce Wayne was a super rich, handsome, single guy, who spent all of his time with "The Boy Wonder"--his pointless companion who lacked Super powers, but looked damn cute in his little panties. If not for Batman's gadgets...oh, hell...nevermind.

Do you remember where you were when you first heard that Lance Bass was gay? Remember?-- you were all like "Duh! I have known that since No Strings Attached was released." People have always wanted to know how other people get their swerve on...everyone wants to know who is hetero, homo or the mysterious omnisexual Bi. For celebrities, these revelations can make front page news. Sometimes, this can be shocking. Like that guy k.d. lang--when he announced that he was a fruit, I was like "Really? No way!"





Extra deduction for the wannabe shock factor that falls flat.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

"Holy Improbable Buttocks, Batman!"







--

Double Gobble

I met Grady in a little town called Vernon, Florida. Grady was missing his left arm, clear up to his elbow...just like Amos Moses. The weird thing was, most of the people I met there were missing a foot, or a hand, or something. I figured they just lived too close to some power lines, or some Gator had been making meals out of them for years, but Grady told me that he had done this to himself for an insurance scam. That is fucking dedication. You can fake a limp, but amputation is forever.


Grady was an avid Wild Turkey hunter....I like whiskey as much as any functional alcoholic, but he meant the actual animal. I told him that if he wanted turkey, I could run over to Subway, and get him a 12 inch sub (on his bread of choice, with chips, and a soda) for like 6 bucks. But he was more into the "mental contest" that is hunting. A turkey's brain is about the size of a walnut. Enjoy the challenge.










Extra deduction because that turkey looks nothing like the outline of my hand.









What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Happy Fuckin' Thanksgiving.








--

Jesus Chrysler

About 10 years ago Jason started dating a Latina gal named Maribel. She had the craziest, thinnest eyebrows I have ever seen. They looked like this: ~ ~


Jason suddenly discovered Hot Rods, and Jesus, and tried hard to embrace both. Sadly, he did not really "get" either of them, evidenced by his "Jesus, the Love Bug" tattoo.


We called Jason "Herbie" for a long time after he got his tattoo, which he hated. Then someone pointed out that the front end of it kind of looked like a smiling whale, so Jason is called "Willy" now. He hates that, too. I have always appreciated the irony of Jesus having a vanity plate.
It just seems so un-Jesusy.







Extra deduction for putting Jesus' name on a car that Satan would drive.
Jesus would probably drive something much more fuel efficient.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I love Jesus.
well... I mean, I'm not religious about it or anything...





--

Inappropriate is My Middle Name

When Blake first got this tattoo, we all thought it was supposed to be Tina Yothers. Maybe it is his Grandma? Maybe it is Tina Yothers' Grandma? I have never been sure. Blake is a wiseassy never-got-over-College type, who still throws lots of themed parties. He has been on a "Island-Calypso" kick lately. I went to one, for about 15 minutes, but left when I realized that his asshole buddies were organizing a Limbo contest. I don't like his asshole buddies, and besides, I know that I can't go that low.

Blake's tattoo is special, because I think it might be the first, and only case of a tattoo undergoing transgender surgery. I do give him credit in the realism department, because most tattoos of women in bikinis have large, gravity defying breasts, and stay away from the "old lady shoulder and underarms" look. Not Blake's... I guess he figured my future is now.






Extra deduction for reminding me of the Borat Mankini.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

When I say I beat off to your mom, I am not joking.








--

Jesus Miser

We were all sitting at the bar, telling lies, when Tommy came in, bragging about his new Jesus tattoo. After he showed it to us, we split into 2 camps--one thought it looked like Neptune or Poseidon, whichever you prefer...the other thought it looked like the dick from Nickelback.

After a few minutes, Neptune and Nickelback were joined by Hippie stickers of the sun, and Heat Miser. I also appreciate that Jesus has gotten rid of any pesky gray hair, by doing a lovely blue rinse. The one thing we DID agree on was that his prominent cheek pouches showed that this was an industrious Jesus, who was collecting seeds and nuts for the coming winter.






Extra deduction for the blue hair and beard. We all know that Jesus was a ginger ninja.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

...whatever I touch
turns to God in my clutch-
I'm too much!








--

Less Michael Moore

I met Josh in a bar in Lock Haven, Pennsyltucky. I was about a mile past drunk. He seemed to on the wrestling team at LHU. Or at least his jacket was.


"Hey...Man..HEY!!, Lemme see your tattoo."
"OK"

"That might be the best tattoo of a 'Homeless guy' I have ever seen. Actually, it might be the ONLY tattoo of a Bum I have ever seen. What made you"--
(interrupting) "It is Michael Moore, not a bum."

"Michael Moore? (synapses firing) michael moore?....OH!! You mean that homeless bum who makes movies. Gotcha."
"Dude, he is not a bum, he makes huge money. Quit being a fag."

"A fag? You roll around with dudes, wearing leotards, and I am the fag?"
"Yeah. You are the fag, Fag."

"Whoa--whoa...I just wanted to see your tattoo. Besides, I don't have a cute little leotard to put on."
(getting all puffed up) "You are lucky that you don't. I would destroy you."


"Yes...yes. No question. But, when we get back to your place--cover Michael up... it is going to be difficult for me to maintain a boner, with such an ugly face looking at me."


After he beat me up, we became BFFs, just like in the movies! I was able to let him know that his tattoo was great work...I just think it is dumb. And he was able to communicate that he disagrees with my opinion, he thinks that I am an asshole, and his kung fu is better than mine.




Extra deduction because if you needed to feel connected to Michael Moore, you could have just followed him on one of the social media sites. If you need to befriend a guy who needs a shave, and looks like he might smell bad-- here---Twitter, or myspace.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Weird things.







--

Cause Band-Aid's Stuck on Me

Angie was my ex-girlfriend's best friend. They had a ritual--every Friday they would go out, drink rummy fu-fu drinks--spin the little umbrellas, and talk shit about men. Then they would come back to our place, eat, puke, and pass out. There were a few nights, that it looked like we might have a ménage à trois but that never panned out. I do still have the occasional ménage à un thinking about it, though.

When I first saw Angie's tattoo, she called it a "Tiger-Lily"--I called it a bunch of Band-Aids, (ouchless) with some high school mascot on them. That is when we stopped being civil. She started to tell people what an asshole I am, and I proved her right by humming the "I am Stuck on Band-Aid" jingle whenever she was around, which may be Manilow's most haunting work.






Extra deduction for not believing me that Barry wrote that shit.
Don't fucking ask...






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

They hold on tight no matter what to fingers, toes and knees.





--

Jesus Pieces 2

When Marty showed me this tattoo, I thought it was a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts tattoo. I was puzzled about the jazz hands and pigeon toes, but I figured maybe it is from a song I am not familiar with...surely she had more than just the two that I know.

(pointing at his tattoo) "Big fan, huh?--I was never that into them, but I would've had sexual intercourse with her "
"Her?! This is for Him!"

"Him?! Who--Jeffrey Dahmer?"
"No! Not him...HIM"

"Ohhhhh, that Finnish band?"
"No, asshole--Jesus."

"Jesus?! When did they chop him up?"
"They didn't... It is the 5 Wounds of Christ"

"But it would be 10 wounds, now that they cut his his hands and feet off, and his heart out."
"Whatever-- Who did you mean, that you would have sex with?"

"What? Oh, no one--nevermind."
"No. WHO?"

"Your mom."
"You're sick."




Extra deduction for trying to make ME out to be the weirdo-- you are the one with body parts tattooed on you, Dexter.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

CSI:Jerusalem. Wednesday nights, at 9:00, only on CBS.









--

RIP G.I. Joe

When I was a little kid, I lived down the street from Aaron. Aaron was sort of my friend, until we were 6, and he "shaved" the hair, beard, and most of the lower jaw off of my G.I. Joe, which REALLY pissed me off. We fought...he drifted his asshole-y, beard-peeling way...and I was happy to see him go. All through grade school, we waged open battles against one another, such as the "Aaron Poops His Pants" campaign of 2nd grade, or the "Aaron has Cooties" movement...which led to the "Aaron is a fucking cocksucker" period, from 1978-Present.


When I saw his tattoo, it took me back to that fateful day in my backyard. His tattoo looks almost exactly like my defaced G.I. Joe...yeah Aaron-motherfucker- don't let me see you walking around. Some of my grudges seem petty--even to me--but not this one.




Extra deduction for starting this war.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I always wondered if he remembered that day-
Now I know--and knowing is half the battle.







--

Don't Play with Fire

Jason played guitar in the worst band I was ever in- Gut Feast...we played at parties, bar mitzvahs, and one very odd wedding. Crappy late '80s metal. We sucked. Like all teenage bands of the day, we were trying as hard as we could to sound like Slayer, without sounding like Slayer. This tattoo is supposed to show that Jay is a bad-ass, and that you had better not fuck with him--or else...

Or else he will unfurl upon you like the black-light poster that inspired this tattoo. And you know that a poster doesn't have to be very big to cause problems. You had better think twice...or ask a friend to help. Or just pay the extra 10 bucks for the framed one. But don't fuck with Jason. Or...








Extra deduction for all those guitar solos. Annoying arpeggio asshole.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am going to live with my parents until I am 30.









--

Maybe Its Maybelline

When you first pull off the main road, and onto Weldon's property, the first thing you notice is a big sign that lets you know that "If you can read this--you are in range", which is perforated with bullet holes. Weldon owns about 90 acres, in an undisclosed location in Central Texas. It used to be his Daddy's cattle ranch, but Weldon has converted it into a plantation that would have made Bob Marley proud, with a gun collection that would make Iraq nervous. The last time I went out there, he shot a tree not 10 inches from my head. For fun.

Did I freak the fuck out? Yep.
Did I say a word about it? Nope.

Weldon is what is commonly to referred in these parts as a crazy son of a bitch. He was voted Most Likely to Secede by his High School class. Although he has never served in any military organization, he is still fighting several wars, and I like for him to think of me as an ally. I told him once that his tattoo looked like lipstick, and I am lucky to still have 2 nipples, 10 fingers, and no extra holes in my body.






Extra deduction for the goofy font.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Watch for me on CourtTV...

















--

Articles?

What Sort Of Man Reads Playboy?--The man of discerning taste. He's his own man...a man of means who knows how to stand out in the crowd. He is the guy at the party who is mixing cocktails that are just right, ready to have a discussion about the hip iconoclasts of the day...like Orson Welles, Sammy Davis Jr., and Steve Allen. He likes to put some mood music on the Hi-Fi, and unwind. He is always a high-roller, no matter the stakes.

This is Todd...I mean "T-Money". He is reppin' South Central Council Bluffs, Iowa (Central Plains Love, Bee-yotch!!) Todd--er-- T-Money is one of only 482 Black people in the state of Iowa. He has dealt with his share of racial profiling, and knows that pimpin' ain't easy. He spends most of his time chasing White girls, working at the Sup'r-Sav'r grocery stizz-ore, and trying to make sure they don't catch him ridin' dirty.




Extra deduction for the dog leash bling-bling.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Bitch--Please!












--

Smell Ya Later!

Ahh Nadine...
She brought out the worst in me for 6 mutually destructive months. Our relationship was fueled by rage, jealousy, vodka, and about 10 pounds of coke. We finally split up because she said I never listened to her or something.

I always laughed at how the tattoo guy decided to edge the "water" up and off...to give it that photograph feel. The night I told her it looked like the mermaid was checking her deodorant was the first night I slept on the couch. I remember yelling through the bedroom door "You are right...that mermaid could NEVER put deodorant on with that HOOF!!!" It was all downhill from there.






Extra deduction for thinking that because I put you in here, I am trying to get in your pants again. I am married.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Another few years of sunlamps, and my shoulders will be ready to be made into handbags.








(Nadine...call me on my cellphone)
--

You Are My Sunshine

Jim used to hang around our band's practice room, AKA Russ' basement, and would try to do "sound checks" for us. One night, he even brought a strobe light, which made me dizzy, and nauseous. We were a crappy teenage metal band, that didn't have a singer, a regular bass player, or a name. We hardly needed a lightman/soundman. We needed practice....some talent would have helped, too. I had to explain to him after he re-tuned my drums once, that you don't touch a man's drums, wife, genitals, or Scotch, unless you have the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

Jim's tattoo sucked so hard that we all just kind of pretended it wasn't there. It became the horribly rendered, cross-eyed elephant on his upper arm...I don't know what/who that is supposed to be, or what that is on her forehead..she looks like she needs some sleep though. Those kooky eyes follow you around the room, too. It is pretty creepy.





Extra deduction for letting Ernie Bushmiller do your tattoo.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I live with my Grandma.













--

Zaius Christ

When Derek showed me this tattoo, I didn't know what to think. Was it a joke? Or did he really think J-Chrizzle looks that much like Dr. Zaius?

I decided to hem and haw for a while, and then just come right on out and ask him about it:


So...(hem)...Derek...(haw)...what the fuck is up with your tattoo?
What do you mean?

I mean, it looks like a sleestack...no!...it looks like Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, but with a bald head!
What? Fuck you, man. It is Jesus!

Nope, it is Cornelius. Cornelius-lookin'-muhfuckah. Let me get a picture of that... Have you seen my blog?
Don't you DARE try to put me in that stupid blog of yours!


Oh? You are my next entry...Dr Zaius...and you are going to be speaking in a tiny lavender font.
You are such an asshole.


Touche...



Extra deduction for having the shortest fuse on the planet...(of the Apes)
FUCK YOU!! I will "planet of the Apes" your fuckin' face!



What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

SUCH an asshole.








--

Ring Around the Rosy

Lauren is a school crossing guard who works the intersection up the road. I met her when I was taking my daily--well monthly constitutional. In the time it took for the light to turn green, I learned a few things about Lauren:
A) She has lots of tattoos.
B)She smoked Parliaments...and lots of 'em.
C) She got off work in 10 minutes.


Well, we went back to my place. I was trying to think of some suave lines, and when I turned to tell her to use an ashtray, I realized she was undressing, and using the ashtray. I appreciated both. I have never been one to kiss and tell, but, yeah...I fucked her...
But I make love to you.






Extra deduction for--Stop giving me that look. We have all made mistakes. It didn't mean anything!! Give me a break!! No, I am never going to see her again!!







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

It was good and dirty. I would do it again.






--

Blood In--Freak Out

I met Oswaldo -aka- "Puppet" in Phoenix.
He was an active member of several intramural gangs and a few street thug development programs. So many, that he no longer wore clothing, as all "colors" are now a potential affront to his colleagues. He had been a scrappy, slap-hitting second baseman at Northern Arizona University, but jumped the team, and his scholarship, and his future, when his brother Reynaldo -- aka- "Gummi-Bear" got jumped by some suckas from the Vista Bloods...or maybe it was the Park South Crips...I can't recall, but "they hate all them bitches, mang!"

After Gummi-Bear got jumped, and Puppet came home, they realized that he needed to remember where he came from. So he tattooed his face enough to ensure that he can never leave home.






Extra deduction for breaking your mother's heart.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have alienated myself to gain acceptance...sort of like Dave Coulier












--

We Salute You

One of the funny things about having lots of visible tattoos, is that suddenly, you are the sounding board for tattoo ideas. Strangers constantly tell me about tattoos they want to get... or thought about once... or they know a guy who has something cool tattooed...

Another funny thing, is that lots of these people, are the super-established square dude type. The former 'straight A' students LOVE to reminisce about that time in college when they smoked a bong before class, or that month that they didn't shave, or the copious amounts of beer they consumed in their "wild" days. It is like they want you to know that they have a little renegade in them.

Phil is my dentist. His tattoo is amazing. Really solid design, and the linework is very well done.
This is one of the best tattoos I have ever seen.


Extra deduction for perfection...if that is possible.



What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Nothing bad at all.








Don't forget to floss

Thighmaster

Jay lived in Fort Erie, Canada. Just across the bridge from Buffalo. When I was a kid, we used to go to Canada all the time, because the drinking age was 19, (you could buy alcohol, and get served in bars if you looked 16) and the strippers got butt-naked. Jay used to sell hash, and I knew a chemistry major at UB who made top-notch acid, and so our friendship was born. Looking back, it was my first international drug ring. It seemed so innocent at the time. Jay would come over to my house, trade me a block of hash for a sheet or 2, and we were all happy. I didn't FEEL like a terrorist.

His tattoo has always made me laugh. Those thighs...the left arm...those pointy boots. The rumor I heard was that Jay got caught crossing the International Train Bridge, with 4 sheets of LSD. The last time I saw him, he was 23 feet tall, and I could taste music.






Extra deduction for making me listen to Rush all the time.
Bonus for not ratting us out. Thanks, "eh".






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a nice boy. This is the fiercest image I could conceive.





--

...Except After 'E'

Whether it is a dog barking a warning, a rattlesnake's tail shaking, or crickets chirping, animals are constantly sending messages to each other. Louie is sending a message, too. A message to all "Ho's" that his "Bro's" have his loyalty, and you will always take a backseat.

But won't it be worth it? His doleful convict's gaze, and impeccable dress sense, should make Louie quite the popular item, in 5 to 10 years. And don't worry about that pesky sex offender status. Who wants to live within 1500 yards of a school, park, church, bus stop, restaurant, or any other public gathering place anyway?











Extra deduction for the tribal muttonchops. And that shirt.







What this tattoo says about the user:

I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.








--

Think Pink

Jenny is my friend Gabe's girlfriend...fiance...whatever. They live in Indianapolis. Jenny spends 16 hours a day, or more, on her myspace page, where her username is HotTat2girl. She collects Hello Kitty shit, and rainbow posters. She always smells like onions. Jenny has one of those yappy little white dogs named Buster. She has sent countless photos to that goddamned Cheezburger site.

She got this bat-winged flamingo because it is the only pink animal she could think of.
When I mentioned that her tattoo didn't have to be pink, in fact, pink is a bad choice, as it will fade... she looked at me like I was a very small, stupid child, and said " But pink is my favorite color."
I pointed out that tattoos don't have to be animals...and if it has to be pink, she could get a heart, or a flower. She told me that would be dumb, and then went back to adding friends.
I guess a flamingo in Indiana makes sense, as it is coastal, and stays hot all year round. The place must be teeming with 'em.






Extra deduction for thinking that putting widgets on myspace means you know HTML.
In a few years, this tattoo is going to look like Nessie, and 2 sticks.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Thanx 4 the add.





--

Hey, Zeus!

This tattoo is on Paul. He is from Buffalo, that is why that turquoise shirt was acceptable to him...
His Jesus has sort of a "Victor/Victoria" thing going on...one side of his beard is all metrosexual, and he has those ruby red lips. His nose is too short, and the eyes are too wide. You can also see the bulge in Jesus' chin, on the metrosexual side, from his plug of Skoal. Jesus looks fresh from the salon, with his curls neatly set. He should not have let Taz tattoo him.

Paul does have some redeeming qualities, although he is about as dumb as a bag of hammers. He is good at driving on ice, and he is a fancy spitter.








Extra deduction for making JC look like a Tesla coil







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Can I bum a smoke?








--

Maybe he is a Pisces?

I met Ray in a seedy bar in New Orleans. He was a roustabout, or roughneck, or a wrangler...one of those "manly job" guys, whose job title doesn't really tell you what they do. I could tell that Ray wore workboots, and jeans every day, now matter how hot it was. He wore a belt with tools attached to it, and had the most significant set of keys I have ever seen. He must have been really important, to merit entry into so many locked spaces. His complexion looked like the underside of a carpet. Words cannot convey how unsettling it was to watch him (slowly) pull up his jeans for this picture.

I am really not sure what this tattoo is supposed to be...I think I see a fish, but it might be a chicken foot, or an upside down flamingo? It says "MOM" (or "WOW") but that is the only thing I can identify. Maybe this will help...




Nope...guess not.



Extra deduction for playing so many Ted Nugent songs on the jukebox.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

(Drunken mumbling)...Mom...shickenfishleg...flamingo?








--

Dual Metal Jak't

This is Donald, and Danald.
These nice boys live down in San Leon, Texas in a sweet tricked out double-wide that they have made into a wood-paneled palace...a shrine dedicated to KISS, and small caliber handguns. Donny (the alpha-twin, with the Peter Criss tat, and bitchin' new jeans) is the wild one of the family, evidenced by his earring ("Only the left ear, I ain't a gay!") and the fact that he got all of his tattoos first. Then shiftless Danny decided to sell his beltbuckle, and bite Donny's rhymes, but got Gene, and KISS in red, just to mix it up a little.


They say you should never judge a book by the cover, and Shake and Bake here are no exception. Donny graduated first in his class, and Danny was homecoming king. Of course, they were home-schooled...but their Mom showed no favoritism. She brought up them boys the best she could after their father ran off to Corpus with that whore. She is also a card-carrying member of the KISS Army among other paramilitary militias.







Extra deduction for the Single White Female 2 (Redneck Boogaloo) vibe.
And for keeping that girl in the trunk in the crawlspace. Let her go, guys.







What this tattoo says about the wearer(s):

Mom always liked you best.








--

Mom keeps giving me turtlenecks.

I used to be in a band with Matt. We did grindcore versions of Neil Diamond songs (we were called "I am I Said"...the world was not ready for us) Matt always modified words incorrectly...passing a joint to the right was "traditionary" and doing something to help someone else was "unselfishism". I am pretty sure he had ADHD, but he may just have been a tweaker.

For the first 8 months he had the neck text, the star that attempts to cover his shame was not there, and yes, it covers an "A". Matt left the band after Pete, our bass player, wrote on his neck "For those I love, I will sacrete"(sic) in magic marker.




Extra deduction for trying to play that shit off.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am all bark, and no bite.










--

Dalton Wept

My old drinking buddy Karl , from Buffalo, got this tattoo of Jesus. It is technically a very good tattoo. The robes look "robey," and the beard looks "beardy." After about 20 shots of Jameson I told him it looked like Jesus was being played by Patrick Swayze, and that it looked like he was playing Cowboys and Indians.

Karl was a good guy, who had a good job. He lived in a really cool apartment, with his girlfriend. Tina was a "cool chick," who was funny, and smart. She was an EMT, who was finishing Medical School.
God, I'd love to nail that little bitch.





Extra deduction for driving me nuts saying "Adios, Amigo" a la Bodhi in "Point Break" before every shot we do now.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.








--

My Kinda Town

I met Jared at a Mastodon show, in Chicago, or "Chi-tonw" which is what the locals evidently call it. Jared (he wanted me to call him "J-Rock"---I would not) was one of those guys who really needs the world to know how tough he is. Our conversation was mostly about how his tattoos didn't hurt him. He "barely felt" his fake Ta moko ... His homage to his hometown did not hurt...Not even his pretty butterfly- I mean his super-tough macho moth creature, with a skull on it.

Jared was drinking that Orange Sparks stuff, (a manly choice) and kept talking about how he beat the living shit out of the guy who did his Chi-tonw tattoo...which he might have done, as he was a big guy, and lots of tattoo artists are skinny guys that draw a lot. After about 10 minutes of talking to him, I could see that he was probably going to take a swing at me, so I decided to move closer to the stage, because I like Mastodon more than I like fighting fat, drunk guys.






Extra deductions for inappropriate moko, and, of course spelling.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am where ignorance meets stupidity.







--

Sorry...About Your Daughter

I met Mike in the smoking area of Midway Airport, in Chicago. He was pretty much a total goober...the kind of guy who walks around singing George Thorogood songs, always dreaming about finding a box of money. We talked for about 30 minutes, but I was all fucked up on Valium, and Whiskey (only way I can get on a plane) and forgot most of our conversation.

Mike was an OK guy, and I feel bad for him. He either has the world's ugliest kid, or one of the shittiest tattoos ever.



Extra deduction for making me feel bad...fucker.
And I think he copped my lighter.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am not Courtney's biological father.





--

Jesus' Pieces

This tattoo is on a guy named Jeremy, whom I met in a bowling alley in Buffalo, NY.
I hated him from the moment I saw him. He had this tiny little (unnecessary) ponytail, and was wearing a US flag shirt, with track-suit pants. My hatred went beyond his choices in haberdashery and hairdo, however, when he started to brag about his backpiece, after he saw my tattoos.

I asked him to show it to me, and he did, proudly.

I asked him "Is that supposed to be Jesus? Or Shaggy?"
He answered "Jesus."
"Well, why does he have a black eye?"
"That is shading" he replied.
"Why does he have one eyebrow that grows down his nose?"
"That is the side of his nose...not his eyebrow."

"Why does his neck have a fur ruffle?"
"Dude..." He was getting pissed, but I was drunk, and didn't give a flying fuck.

"OK, but why does he have shredded lettuce on his head?"




Extra deduction for punching me really hard.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I think that Jesus spoke English.










--

Read 'Em and Weep

Bobby used to live downstairs from me, when I lived in that shithole apartment in Phoenix. He told everyone that he lived in Glendale, because he had a better chance of spelling it correctly,
and Bobby is all about the odds.
He used to always make up fake statistics, in an attempt to lend credibility to his bullshit stories.
He would never say "Most people do this" or "Some people do that"...with Bobbers it was always "78% of people do this" or "46% of people do that"...I disliked him 98% of the time.

When I asked him why the cards were out of order, and sort of turning into jigsaw puzzle pieces,
he said "Because 32% of life is the unknowable stuff, you know, like puzzles, an' shit, 59% of life is havin' the right cards, and the other 16% is party time."
When I asked him about the spelling errors, he said "Huh? whatever...it don't matter."




Extra deduction for English abuse.







What this tattoo says about the wearer (and the artist):

Books are for fags.






--

Whirled Peas

This tattoo is on my cousin's ex, Brandon, although he wants us to call him "Shroomz."

He is one of those hippie asshole types, a vegan in leather shoes.

He spends most of his time preaching these bizarre hippie rants about all the death and suffering

that goes on in the world. A glass of milk is bovine holocaust to him. Honey means trillions of bees forced into tiny stables, pumped full of hormones, until the honey is brutally ripped from their tiny little honey udders.

He claims that he was "Soooo wasted" when he got this tattoo. He doesn't understand that it is not how wasted YOU are that makes a tattoo bad. He got this tattoo to be different, just like everybody else.

Extra deduction for spelling, and penmanship.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Can I just crash on your couch for a few weeks?

--

Vato Loco

I first met Alejandro in a bar, in Nuevo Laredo. He was my contact from the Cartel del Golfo.
He was going to give me the keys to a van full of weed.
I was going to give him the keys to a car full of guns ( part of the "Guns for Drugs" exchange program--don't forget to wipe off your fingerprints).
My first thought when I met him was "that nice boy's face looks like the wall in the men's room, except I can read the graffiti in there."







Extra deduction for making an ear with no tattoos look, and seem silly.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have your wallet.










--

Tommy Used to Work on the Dock

Oh...wow.
Let us start with the obvious problem with these tattoos.
Alignment.
His back looks like some mulletty Camaro, all covered in bumper stickers. Some are slanting up, some down. Some look like total afterthoughts, which he then had to squeeze in.

I had not seen that image of Randy Rhoads since that last time I saw a "Creem" magazine. Ozzy was carrying him on his shoulders in that picture ( that is why there was only one set of footprints when he looked behind him---what? oh, wrong story) which explains Randy's butt looking so unbuttlike.
One should always avoid trading beer for tattoos, which surely is what happened here.










Extra deduction for omitting Manowar.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am from a really small town.











--

Vrooom!!

This tattoo makes me want to rub my eyes. It is an homage to NASCAR's Jeff Gordon.
Or, to be more specific, his cars, some checkered flags, and a trophy.

It is a well known fact that Jeff Gordon can talk to cars, just like Michael Knight, and the guys who drove Herbie, and Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang. We are just lucky that he uses his power only to help better mankind. I shudder to think what would happen if he turned evil.

Jeff Gordon has won national acclaim for his innate ability to turn left, and as such,
his cars should be poorly rendered on some hot mama's skin, and my friend Kat was just that hot mama. Some of you might notice that the lower strap is pretty low, indicating giant jugs...well
think "socks, with oranges in them" and you have a pretty good idea of what is on the other side.






Extra deduction for making your back look like a grade school boy's History folder.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am the woman mentioned here.











--

Tony Danza Extravaganza

Technically, this is a great tattoo. The artist truly captured the very essence of Danza, from his little-boy haircut (that might be the best tattoo of hair I have ever seen), to his goofwad grin. From his thought-lined forehead, to his foppish bow-tie.
It is little wonder he turned Danny Pintauro gay.

The biggest problem is that this is a Tony Danza talk-show era tattoo. If it was a "Taxi" era Danza, or even a "Who's the Boss" era one, he might not have even made the cut to be enshrined in these hallowed pages.
Nah, I am full of shit. Any Danzatoo will get you in. How the fuck did that guy make it?
He is like Lionel Richie...I don't know a single person who likes him, but somehow, he has succeeded.




Extra deduction for making the poor artist spend HOURS on a portrait of Tony Fucking Danza.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I knock em dead with my Danza imitation ad nauseum:

"Angela! Samantha! Mona!"













--

Jesus Belli

Here we see Jesus in the rarely discussed 20th station of the Cross, after the dingoes et his lower half, and his beard, hair, nipples, and facial skin (ouch!) but in spite of all that, his pecs and abs still remain wonderfully intact.


This tattoo is really more a cry for help, than a statement. The giant spike in Jesus' stomach represents the wearer's hunger for knowledge. The lack of facial skin represents his thirst for
beauty. The lack of hands represents how he was touched by understanding for his fellow man. The skull and guts represent his love for GWAR.





Extra deduction for making JC look all roadkilly.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Dude, I was SOOO wasted last night. Jagerbombs are the SHIT.











--

Last Place in the Aryan Race

This is Marlon. AKA #107-946.
He is looking for a nice woman, to share the finer things in life, like letters to one another, and rape-y conjugal visits. He sure loves Hitler, but his heart has room for one more. He is an avid lepidopterist, who also likes attending riots, burning crosses, and croquet.
No smokers, fatties, jews, blacks, asians, arabs, hippies, goths, latinas, democrats, canadians, moms, or uglies. Druggies OK.



Hurry, ladies, before someone else snatches this gem!





Extra deduction for giving up your entire back, for a Hitler tattoo, and a swastika.
You douchebag.




What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have developed a taste for the black cock here in prison.






--

Cousin Itt?

A magnificently coiffed Chewbacca head, that will be invisible once that wall of hair grows back. I was unaware of the growing popularity of tattoos, in the Yeti community. Live and learn.

Chewie has clearly switched to Garnier Fructis Fortifying Shampoo with essential oils
that control frizz, while providing body, shine, and bounce.






Extra Deduction for getting a tattoo that is 97% hair, when you are a Sasquatch.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Damn, I am a hairy bastard.











--

Are You Maddox at Me?

Yep, that is a tattoo of Maddox Jolie Pitt. Not bad work either. Just dumb.
Why would anyone get that tattooed on them? Dunno.
For me, the only relevant question for this person is:
What are you---fucking retarded?





Extra deduction for thinking this would be acceptable. Restraining orders are probably appropriate.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am where "nutjob fan" meets "deranged scary stalker."







--

Vitruvian Jesus

This tattoo shows the workout that Jesus did,to get in shape prior to the whole cross thing.
Abs like his don't just happen. And, again, check out the pecs on that savior. Feel the burn!

Holy Calisthenic images are fairly rare, especially dick and balls naked ones. But you can see the focus...the commitment...the drive to succeed etched on his face...
No pain-no gain!!




Extra deduction for depicting Jesus as a over- muscled meathead.
Jesus was not a linebacker. He was a skinny hippie.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Jesus loves me thiiiis much.









--

Who's the Mack?

I am not sure about this tattoo...it looks like a rubber-armed Home Alone era Mac Culkin (he is Mac now...don't call him Macaulay, or he will rip open your fucking esophagus with his teeth)
..sitting on an invisible lap, wearing pink fuzzy slippers, and little boy PJs.

But is that a skeleton-armed Christina Ricci behind him? Angelica Huston?
Michael Jackson?

Jesus, I think it is supposed to be Michael Jackson. I guess the one saving grace of this tattoo
is that Michael Jackson does look like a white lady, now.



I am not a fan of 'kitschy" tattoos. Especially not cute ones. Especially not ironic, dated ones.






Extra deduction for the feeble attempt at funny & cute. Grow a pair, pal.
This tattoo sucks, because at the end of the day, regardless of how cool
we are supposed to think the wearer must be, it is still a tattoo of Michael Jackson,
and Mac Culkin.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I try to sound "hip" by constantly stating that Bleach was a better record than Nevermind.





--

She Loves Me Not---She Loves Me

Here we have the tattoos of a woman who will steal your last dollar from your wallet, while you sleep it off, but she won't use that dollar to buy formula for the baby...she will buy herself one of those fancy coffee drinks from that College-boy coffee shop over by the
Interstate, just so she could feel "special". She can't even pronounce the name
of the damn drink (she calls it a "Macchio-ato" like it is made from the Karate Kid, and tomato)
And then she will try to get one of them coffee-shop boys to buy some of her pills that she takes, and she will end up fucking him in the manager's office. Again.

Nikita, Angel, and little Caleb's dads have all worked in that damn shop.








Extra deduction for filming it. And showing it to everyone.














What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am evil poison...a tainted demon witch of a whore.

Hell, girl...I still love you, too. Come on home.









--

Feeling Cagey

"King of the Cage"...

So...um...yeah. You are pretty into Mixed Martial Arts....um...and fire? Or are those
big, cartoony "Y"s on his cheeks?

This is one of those "even if it was a quality tattoo, done
by a quality artist, it would still suck"tattoos.

Facial tattoos are rarely a good idea. This one is no exception.

Bluish flames with that shade of eyes?



Extra deduction for shaving your eyebrows. They will thank you for that in a very Einsteiny way, someday.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am batshit crazy.






--

Patriot Games

Ok...for this one, I have to show you the actual image...so you can truly appreciate this tattoo, which must have been applied on a roller-coaster.



That shit isn't even close. It is like he knew what it looked like, sort of,
and went ahead and tattooed it. But for some reason, he put the cleft on the cheek, rather
than on his chin.And gave him some bizarre cloak-poncho...with anemone like protrusions.

Tattooing from memory is never a good idea. If, as an "artist" that is the best football you could
have drawn, I suggest you learn a new trade, like pizza delivery.




Extra deduction for being a Patriots fan.









What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am blind.








--

Romper Room Stomper

We are going to ignore the schwag on his skinny arms, and focus on his melon.

"I'll Kill You."


Is this a cry for help? Or is it the ultimate open-ended threat?
(It would be one thing if it said " I'll Kill You" followed by "If You Make Me Mad"...
or "Someday"...
or even "Soon".)



Extra deduction for the faux tough guy image that he is trying to project...
this asshole couldn't kill time.
Skinhead douchebag...the toughest guy on Grandma's papasan.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I got my ass kicked a lot in school.









--

Which one?

This is another finely crafted, and skillfully applied tattoo that is only here
because it is a dumb tattoo, and dumb tattoo= bad tattoo.

I can only assume he means the president of the USA,
and not the president of Dartmouth (James Wright, for those keeping score at home)

or the president of Pella Windows (Mel Haught, a lovely man, by all accounts)

although if the tattoo is referring to Ralph Alvarez, of McDonald's I might understand (make the Shamrock Shake a year round menu item, you son of a bitch!)




Extra deduction for making good artist do prison-y tattoo.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have never voted for anything except for Bo on Idol.











--