Jesus Chrysler

About 10 years ago Jason started dating a Latina gal named Maribel. She had the craziest, thinnest eyebrows I have ever seen. They looked like this: ~ ~


Jason suddenly discovered Hot Rods, and Jesus, and tried hard to embrace both. Sadly, he did not really "get" either of them, evidenced by his "Jesus, the Love Bug" tattoo.


We called Jason "Herbie" for a long time after he got his tattoo, which he hated. Then someone pointed out that the front end of it kind of looked like a smiling whale, so Jason is called "Willy" now. He hates that, too. I have always appreciated the irony of Jesus having a vanity plate.
It just seems so un-Jesusy.







Extra deduction for putting Jesus' name on a car that Satan would drive.
Jesus would probably drive something much more fuel efficient.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I love Jesus.
well... I mean, I'm not religious about it or anything...





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Jesus Miser

We were all sitting at the bar, telling lies, when Tommy came in, bragging about his new Jesus tattoo. After he showed it to us, we split into 2 camps--one thought it looked like Neptune or Poseidon, whichever you prefer...the other thought it looked like the dick from Nickelback.

After a few minutes, Neptune and Nickelback were joined by Hippie stickers of the sun, and Heat Miser. I also appreciate that Jesus has gotten rid of any pesky gray hair, by doing a lovely blue rinse. The one thing we DID agree on was that his prominent cheek pouches showed that this was an industrious Jesus, who was collecting seeds and nuts for the coming winter.






Extra deduction for the blue hair and beard. We all know that Jesus was a ginger ninja.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

...whatever I touch
turns to God in my clutch-
I'm too much!








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Jesus Pieces 2

When Marty showed me this tattoo, I thought it was a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts tattoo. I was puzzled about the jazz hands and pigeon toes, but I figured maybe it is from a song I am not familiar with...surely she had more than just the two that I know.

(pointing at his tattoo) "Big fan, huh?--I was never that into them, but I would've had sexual intercourse with her "
"Her?! This is for Him!"

"Him?! Who--Jeffrey Dahmer?"
"No! Not him...HIM"

"Ohhhhh, that Finnish band?"
"No, asshole--Jesus."

"Jesus?! When did they chop him up?"
"They didn't... It is the 5 Wounds of Christ"

"But it would be 10 wounds, now that they cut his his hands and feet off, and his heart out."
"Whatever-- Who did you mean, that you would have sex with?"

"What? Oh, no one--nevermind."
"No. WHO?"

"Your mom."
"You're sick."




Extra deduction for trying to make ME out to be the weirdo-- you are the one with body parts tattooed on you, Dexter.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

CSI:Jerusalem. Wednesday nights, at 9:00, only on CBS.









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Maybe Its Maybelline

When you first pull off the main road, and onto Weldon's property, the first thing you notice is a big sign that lets you know that "If you can read this--you are in range", which is perforated with bullet holes. Weldon owns about 90 acres, in an undisclosed location in Central Texas. It used to be his Daddy's cattle ranch, but Weldon has converted it into a plantation that would have made Bob Marley proud, with a gun collection that would make Iraq nervous. The last time I went out there, he shot a tree not 10 inches from my head. For fun.

Did I freak the fuck out? Yep.
Did I say a word about it? Nope.

Weldon is what is commonly to referred in these parts as a crazy son of a bitch. He was voted Most Likely to Secede by his High School class. Although he has never served in any military organization, he is still fighting several wars, and I like for him to think of me as an ally. I told him once that his tattoo looked like lipstick, and I am lucky to still have 2 nipples, 10 fingers, and no extra holes in my body.






Extra deduction for the goofy font.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Watch for me on CourtTV...

















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Zaius Christ

When Derek showed me this tattoo, I didn't know what to think. Was it a joke? Or did he really think J-Chrizzle looks that much like Dr. Zaius?

I decided to hem and haw for a while, and then just come right on out and ask him about it:


So...(hem)...Derek...(haw)...what the fuck is up with your tattoo?
What do you mean?

I mean, it looks like a sleestack...no!...it looks like Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, but with a bald head!
What? Fuck you, man. It is Jesus!

Nope, it is Cornelius. Cornelius-lookin'-muhfuckah. Let me get a picture of that... Have you seen my blog?
Don't you DARE try to put me in that stupid blog of yours!


Oh? You are my next entry...Dr Zaius...and you are going to be speaking in a tiny lavender font.
You are such an asshole.


Touche...



Extra deduction for having the shortest fuse on the planet...(of the Apes)
FUCK YOU!! I will "planet of the Apes" your fuckin' face!



What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

SUCH an asshole.








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Hey, Zeus!

This tattoo is on Paul. He is from Buffalo, that is why that turquoise shirt was acceptable to him...
His Jesus has sort of a "Victor/Victoria" thing going on...one side of his beard is all metrosexual, and he has those ruby red lips. His nose is too short, and the eyes are too wide. You can also see the bulge in Jesus' chin, on the metrosexual side, from his plug of Skoal. Jesus looks fresh from the salon, with his curls neatly set. He should not have let Taz tattoo him.

Paul does have some redeeming qualities, although he is about as dumb as a bag of hammers. He is good at driving on ice, and he is a fancy spitter.








Extra deduction for making JC look like a Tesla coil







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Can I bum a smoke?








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Dalton Wept

My old drinking buddy Karl , from Buffalo, got this tattoo of Jesus. It is technically a very good tattoo. The robes look "robey," and the beard looks "beardy." After about 20 shots of Jameson I told him it looked like Jesus was being played by Patrick Swayze, and that it looked like he was playing Cowboys and Indians.

Karl was a good guy, who had a good job. He lived in a really cool apartment, with his girlfriend. Tina was a "cool chick," who was funny, and smart. She was an EMT, who was finishing Medical School.
God, I'd love to nail that little bitch.





Extra deduction for driving me nuts saying "Adios, Amigo" a la Bodhi in "Point Break" before every shot we do now.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.








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Jesus' Pieces

This tattoo is on a guy named Jeremy, whom I met in a bowling alley in Buffalo, NY.
I hated him from the moment I saw him. He had this tiny little (unnecessary) ponytail, and was wearing a US flag shirt, with track-suit pants. My hatred went beyond his choices in haberdashery and hairdo, however, when he started to brag about his backpiece, after he saw my tattoos.

I asked him to show it to me, and he did, proudly.

I asked him "Is that supposed to be Jesus? Or Shaggy?"
He answered "Jesus."
"Well, why does he have a black eye?"
"That is shading" he replied.
"Why does he have one eyebrow that grows down his nose?"
"That is the side of his nose...not his eyebrow."

"Why does his neck have a fur ruffle?"
"Dude..." He was getting pissed, but I was drunk, and didn't give a flying fuck.

"OK, but why does he have shredded lettuce on his head?"




Extra deduction for punching me really hard.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I think that Jesus spoke English.










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Jesus Belli

Here we see Jesus in the rarely discussed 20th station of the Cross, after the dingoes et his lower half, and his beard, hair, nipples, and facial skin (ouch!) but in spite of all that, his pecs and abs still remain wonderfully intact.


This tattoo is really more a cry for help, than a statement. The giant spike in Jesus' stomach represents the wearer's hunger for knowledge. The lack of facial skin represents his thirst for
beauty. The lack of hands represents how he was touched by understanding for his fellow man. The skull and guts represent his love for GWAR.





Extra deduction for making JC look all roadkilly.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Dude, I was SOOO wasted last night. Jagerbombs are the SHIT.











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Vitruvian Jesus

This tattoo shows the workout that Jesus did,to get in shape prior to the whole cross thing.
Abs like his don't just happen. And, again, check out the pecs on that savior. Feel the burn!

Holy Calisthenic images are fairly rare, especially dick and balls naked ones. But you can see the focus...the commitment...the drive to succeed etched on his face...
No pain-no gain!!




Extra deduction for depicting Jesus as a over- muscled meathead.
Jesus was not a linebacker. He was a skinny hippie.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Jesus loves me thiiiis much.









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Under 17 Not Admitted

Look at this bizarre badge motif of "the Prophets [of the] Lord"...

I recognize Kenny Loggins , I think I see Colonel Sanders, the guy who played Larry Tate, Santa Claus, Orville Reddenbacher, and John Lithgow, and is that Buddy Holly in the lower left?

I was unaware that so many of the apostles wore glasses (which explains why people were reluctant to embrace Christianity--[men don't make passes et c].)





Extra Deduction for having 17 different white guys tattooed so that your back looks like a game of "Concentration".
And you had better only have one eye...






What this tattoo says about the owner:

I am a fatalist, who communicates most of my bumper-sticker "wisdom"
through cliches.













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Separation of Church and State

I can't tell if this is Pro or Anti America?
Or is that the Texas state flag? Or is it Porty Rico?

Poor Jesus, with the gimp flipper arms. With the spike through his elbow. He does have some impressive pecs, though. Jesus was in great shape.


Extra deduction for the whole dumb idea. The fact that it is a profile, does not add "clever" points.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I just got hired at Wendy's.









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