Sweepin' the Clouds Away

Dave had made it clear that he was getting his kid tattooed on his arm. I told him he should wait until Maury tells him he is the father, for sure, but that fell on deaf ears.


Hey Dave.
Hey. I got that tattoo. You wanna see it?


Oh, you know I do.
OK, but it ain't finished yet. It still needs color.


Well. Dave, I didn't know that your wife was a Muppet.
WHAT?!

You know, a Muppet. Sesame Street?--The Muppet Show? A Muppet, man.
What the fuck are you talking about? I know what a fuckin' Muppet is.

Yes...Clearly.
---

(Prolonged silence)


So, what color is she going to be? Blue? Orange?
Dude, What is it with you and Muppets today?









Photo courtesy of Dean's iPhone. Dean is a total iPenis.









Yeah!! like her, see? That Muppety mouth, the same vacant stare.
Well, I told you, it ain't finished.

Do you guys sing lots of songs about numbers, and letters...
Fuck off.

...Or do they outgrow it?

Bye, Dave.







Extra deduction for the Olan Mills pose.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Dave's tattoo was brought to you by the letter P, and the number 2.










--

Paradise Lost

Every year, my wife and I go to South Africa, to visit her family. After the pharmaceuticals clear my system, (I need them to fly) I like to get started on my holiday drinking. I met Kerwin in a really shady shithole bar in Capetown, and we had an interesting conversation about tattoos, sex, and life. When he showed me his tattoos, I told him that nobody would ever mistake them for art, which he took as a compliment, in spite of it being such an obvious insult.

He became visibly agitated when I suggested that the "Paradise for Virgins" above his crotch might apply to his Superman symbol shaped navel as well...and tried to stick my thumb in it, to illustrate my point. Then I got a little gaggy from the thought. I had to buy him about 5 rounds to settle him down, to avoid a holiday stabbing. I never even mentioned the one on his belly that reads "she was a [sic] untrustable [sic] women[sic]" as it made me uncomfortable on several different levels.

We are home now, (and had a lovely vacation, thanks for asking)
and the handful of pills return flight jet-lag has pretty much worn off.





Extra deduction for the whole creepy torso.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I like it rape-y.





--

Swanson Warrior

This guy used to drink in my bar. I don't know his real name--he had big nostrils, like Babe Ruth, so we called him 'Chunnel'. He was a lousy tipper.



So, Chunnel, heard you got a new piece. Let's see it.
(Proudly) OK, check it out.

Alright...so kind of a warrior...sort of Boba Fett meets an Aztec warrior...with Moon Boot-sandals.
No, it is from "Spartan Warrior"...the game.

Oh. Why does he carry the big pie?
Pie? That is his shield.

It looks just like a pot-pie...It even has the crimping around the edge of the crust.
It is a shield, that has been through battle. See? Those are battle scars.

No, they are the "one inch slits in crust, to allow steam to vent."
(no response)


Is HE the Pie-man from Simple Simon? I always pictured him as being a lot less mean, ya know? Kind of chubby and happy.
(pouting/frowning)

I like his skirt, though.
Fuck you, man.






Extra deduction for leaving before I could do any Sparta/Spartan jokes. Wuss.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I sure do like pie.





--

Chinese Democracy

This is my friend Tracy. I have known her for years.
She is just like one of the guys, except she has a vagina, and boobs. She is cool.
Not just for the vagina and boob thing though.




Hey Tracy, heard you got a new tattoo. Let's see it
No fuckin' way. I am in no mood for your shit.

Come on...
No.

I promise I won't say anything about it.
Yeah, right. OK...say anything bad, and I will slap you.


It reminds me of that picture in LIFE magazine...
It is "Guns & Roses"

...of the hippies putting flowers in the soldier's guns... Wait, did you just say "Guns & Roses?"
Yes, Guns & Roses.

But it is just one gun, and one rose.
It is my Guns & Roses tattoo.

No, It is your "Gun and Rose" tattoo. You need another gun, and another rose.
See, this is why Jessica dumped you. You take everything so literally.

Jessica dumped me because I wouldn't stop smoking...or fucking Michelle. And this is why Tim dumped you. You do everything half-assed.
Did he say that?


No, he said he dumped you because you don't understand plurals.
I hate you.

Call me later...
You wish.





Extra deduction for not calling.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am going to pretend to like the new record no matter how bad it is.






--

Don't Ask--Don't Tell--Don't Matter

Celebrities love to tell the general public their sexual preferences, (doggy style is my favorite...FYI) and I suppose that a superhero is as "celebrity" as it gets...sort of.
Well, some of us have always suspected that Batman and Robin were more than just SuperFriends--they were downright creepy sometimes...usually... always.

Bruce Wayne was a super rich, handsome, single guy, who spent all of his time with "The Boy Wonder"--his pointless companion who lacked Super powers, but looked damn cute in his little panties. If not for Batman's gadgets...oh, hell...nevermind.

Do you remember where you were when you first heard that Lance Bass was gay? Remember?-- you were all like "Duh! I have known that since No Strings Attached was released." People have always wanted to know how other people get their swerve on...everyone wants to know who is hetero, homo or the mysterious omnisexual Bi. For celebrities, these revelations can make front page news. Sometimes, this can be shocking. Like that guy k.d. lang--when he announced that he was a fruit, I was like "Really? No way!"





Extra deduction for the wannabe shock factor that falls flat.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

"Holy Improbable Buttocks, Batman!"







--

Inappropriate is My Middle Name

When Blake first got this tattoo, we all thought it was supposed to be Tina Yothers. Maybe it is his Grandma? Maybe it is Tina Yothers' Grandma? I have never been sure. Blake is a wiseassy never-got-over-College type, who still throws lots of themed parties. He has been on a "Island-Calypso" kick lately. I went to one, for about 15 minutes, but left when I realized that his asshole buddies were organizing a Limbo contest. I don't like his asshole buddies, and besides, I know that I can't go that low.

Blake's tattoo is special, because I think it might be the first, and only case of a tattoo undergoing transgender surgery. I do give him credit in the realism department, because most tattoos of women in bikinis have large, gravity defying breasts, and stay away from the "old lady shoulder and underarms" look. Not Blake's... I guess he figured my future is now.






Extra deduction for reminding me of the Borat Mankini.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

When I say I beat off to your mom, I am not joking.








--

Smell Ya Later!

Ahh Nadine...
She brought out the worst in me for 6 mutually destructive months. Our relationship was fueled by rage, jealousy, vodka, and about 10 pounds of coke. We finally split up because she said I never listened to her or something.

I always laughed at how the tattoo guy decided to edge the "water" up and off...to give it that photograph feel. The night I told her it looked like the mermaid was checking her deodorant was the first night I slept on the couch. I remember yelling through the bedroom door "You are right...that mermaid could NEVER put deodorant on with that HOOF!!!" It was all downhill from there.






Extra deduction for thinking that because I put you in here, I am trying to get in your pants again. I am married.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Another few years of sunlamps, and my shoulders will be ready to be made into handbags.








(Nadine...call me on my cellphone)
--

Ring Around the Rosy

Lauren is a school crossing guard who works the intersection up the road. I met her when I was taking my daily--well monthly constitutional. In the time it took for the light to turn green, I learned a few things about Lauren:
A) She has lots of tattoos.
B)She smoked Parliaments...and lots of 'em.
C) She got off work in 10 minutes.


Well, we went back to my place. I was trying to think of some suave lines, and when I turned to tell her to use an ashtray, I realized she was undressing, and using the ashtray. I appreciated both. I have never been one to kiss and tell, but, yeah...I fucked her...
But I make love to you.






Extra deduction for--Stop giving me that look. We have all made mistakes. It didn't mean anything!! Give me a break!! No, I am never going to see her again!!







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

It was good and dirty. I would do it again.






--

Thighmaster

Jay lived in Fort Erie, Canada. Just across the bridge from Buffalo. When I was a kid, we used to go to Canada all the time, because the drinking age was 19, (you could buy alcohol, and get served in bars if you looked 16) and the strippers got butt-naked. Jay used to sell hash, and I knew a chemistry major at UB who made top-notch acid, and so our friendship was born. Looking back, it was my first international drug ring. It seemed so innocent at the time. Jay would come over to my house, trade me a block of hash for a sheet or 2, and we were all happy. I didn't FEEL like a terrorist.

His tattoo has always made me laugh. Those thighs...the left arm...those pointy boots. The rumor I heard was that Jay got caught crossing the International Train Bridge, with 4 sheets of LSD. The last time I saw him, he was 23 feet tall, and I could taste music.






Extra deduction for making me listen to Rush all the time.
Bonus for not ratting us out. Thanks, "eh".






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a nice boy. This is the fiercest image I could conceive.





--

Read 'Em and Weep

Bobby used to live downstairs from me, when I lived in that shithole apartment in Phoenix. He told everyone that he lived in Glendale, because he had a better chance of spelling it correctly,
and Bobby is all about the odds.
He used to always make up fake statistics, in an attempt to lend credibility to his bullshit stories.
He would never say "Most people do this" or "Some people do that"...with Bobbers it was always "78% of people do this" or "46% of people do that"...I disliked him 98% of the time.

When I asked him why the cards were out of order, and sort of turning into jigsaw puzzle pieces,
he said "Because 32% of life is the unknowable stuff, you know, like puzzles, an' shit, 59% of life is havin' the right cards, and the other 16% is party time."
When I asked him about the spelling errors, he said "Huh? whatever...it don't matter."




Extra deduction for English abuse.







What this tattoo says about the wearer (and the artist):

Books are for fags.






--

Tommy Used to Work on the Dock

Oh...wow.
Let us start with the obvious problem with these tattoos.
Alignment.
His back looks like some mulletty Camaro, all covered in bumper stickers. Some are slanting up, some down. Some look like total afterthoughts, which he then had to squeeze in.

I had not seen that image of Randy Rhoads since that last time I saw a "Creem" magazine. Ozzy was carrying him on his shoulders in that picture ( that is why there was only one set of footprints when he looked behind him---what? oh, wrong story) which explains Randy's butt looking so unbuttlike.
One should always avoid trading beer for tattoos, which surely is what happened here.










Extra deduction for omitting Manowar.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am from a really small town.











--

Vrooom!!

This tattoo makes me want to rub my eyes. It is an homage to NASCAR's Jeff Gordon.
Or, to be more specific, his cars, some checkered flags, and a trophy.

It is a well known fact that Jeff Gordon can talk to cars, just like Michael Knight, and the guys who drove Herbie, and Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang. We are just lucky that he uses his power only to help better mankind. I shudder to think what would happen if he turned evil.

Jeff Gordon has won national acclaim for his innate ability to turn left, and as such,
his cars should be poorly rendered on some hot mama's skin, and my friend Kat was just that hot mama. Some of you might notice that the lower strap is pretty low, indicating giant jugs...well
think "socks, with oranges in them" and you have a pretty good idea of what is on the other side.






Extra deduction for making your back look like a grade school boy's History folder.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am the woman mentioned here.











--

The Incredible HULK

Hmm...a hyper-muscular, hyper-mustachioed Hulk Hogan backpiece...well, Hulk's upper half anyways...but he seems to have contracted polio, and his legs and waist have shriveled up.


This tattoo sucks. Hulk's waist is smaller than his biceps, and his torso is far too short.

You can tell from the hourglass figure of his back, that like Hulk, he is kind of a health nut.













Extra deduction for making me feel guilty, for picking on the fat, geeky guy.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a fat, geeky guy.









--

My keyboard doesn't have an "ANY" key...

"Oh wow man, is that the Microsoft blue screen of death text? OH man, it looks just like my
screen."

Is he gone?

His tattoo sucks.
That doesn't sit well there. If you HAD to get this, why on the inner arm?
Why not on part of you that looks vaguely "screeny"...like your back, or stomach?

Better yet, just buy a t-shirt of this(I have seen them at Target), and never get it tattooed anywhere.




Extra deduction for utter lack of shelf life/staying power.
This tattoo will be obsolete in a few short years, and then he will have a lifetime of explaining the text on his entire fucking inner arm.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a Community College dropout.










--

You Da' BOMB

Oh, boy.
A 'dynamite strapped around my waist' tattoo. Isn't he clever.

Uh-oh...only one second left...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

Actually, I thought this was some weird belt, or a fanny-pack with books attached to it when I first saw it (but then I noticed his REAL belt) but then I figured "who would get a fanny-pack tattooed on them", and I looked a little closer.

A fanny-pack would be cooler.





Extra deduction for the idea. This should have never come this far.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I still wet the bed.















--

Grin ,and BEAR it

Very sad.
That is some dark, uncoveruppable shit there.
Hour upon hour of getting brown tattooed over all that black. Looks like a giant birthmark.

And somehow, even in a field of all those darks, the eyes still look flat. This tattoo sucks.
I feel kinda sorry for this guy.
His backpiece sucks. Hard.






Extra deduction for letting someone tattoo your entire fucking back, who had so little artistic talent.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have never actually seen a real bear.














--

Always after Me LUCKY Charms

Yes, Lucky You.
As lucky as the last few hundred guys.
Like striking gold. Well, more like finding a nickel.

She has seen more dicks than a urinal.
I wonder if the pink around the lettering is supposed to blend in with the stretch marks?
Or accentuate them?
Or did they leave that unspoken?

Extra deduction for the fact that she really didn't have to be snapper-flappin' naked to show this tattoo, and because that is some poor kid's mom.

Sorry, Kiddo. Sucks bein' you.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I fuck on the first date.

--