Sweepin' the Clouds Away

Dave had made it clear that he was getting his kid tattooed on his arm. I told him he should wait until Maury tells him he is the father, for sure, but that fell on deaf ears.


Hey Dave.
Hey. I got that tattoo. You wanna see it?


Oh, you know I do.
OK, but it ain't finished yet. It still needs color.


Well. Dave, I didn't know that your wife was a Muppet.
WHAT?!

You know, a Muppet. Sesame Street?--The Muppet Show? A Muppet, man.
What the fuck are you talking about? I know what a fuckin' Muppet is.

Yes...Clearly.
---

(Prolonged silence)


So, what color is she going to be? Blue? Orange?
Dude, What is it with you and Muppets today?









Photo courtesy of Dean's iPhone. Dean is a total iPenis.









Yeah!! like her, see? That Muppety mouth, the same vacant stare.
Well, I told you, it ain't finished.

Do you guys sing lots of songs about numbers, and letters...
Fuck off.

...Or do they outgrow it?

Bye, Dave.







Extra deduction for the Olan Mills pose.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Dave's tattoo was brought to you by the letter P, and the number 2.










--

Paradise Lost

Every year, my wife and I go to South Africa, to visit her family. After the pharmaceuticals clear my system, (I need them to fly) I like to get started on my holiday drinking. I met Kerwin in a really shady shithole bar in Capetown, and we had an interesting conversation about tattoos, sex, and life. When he showed me his tattoos, I told him that nobody would ever mistake them for art, which he took as a compliment, in spite of it being such an obvious insult.

He became visibly agitated when I suggested that the "Paradise for Virgins" above his crotch might apply to his Superman symbol shaped navel as well...and tried to stick my thumb in it, to illustrate my point. Then I got a little gaggy from the thought. I had to buy him about 5 rounds to settle him down, to avoid a holiday stabbing. I never even mentioned the one on his belly that reads "she was a [sic] untrustable [sic] women[sic]" as it made me uncomfortable on several different levels.

We are home now, (and had a lovely vacation, thanks for asking)
and the handful of pills return flight jet-lag has pretty much worn off.





Extra deduction for the whole creepy torso.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I like it rape-y.





--

Swanson Warrior

This guy used to drink in my bar. I don't know his real name--he had big nostrils, like Babe Ruth, so we called him 'Chunnel'. He was a lousy tipper.



So, Chunnel, heard you got a new piece. Let's see it.
(Proudly) OK, check it out.

Alright...so kind of a warrior...sort of Boba Fett meets an Aztec warrior...with Moon Boot-sandals.
No, it is from "Spartan Warrior"...the game.

Oh. Why does he carry the big pie?
Pie? That is his shield.

It looks just like a pot-pie...It even has the crimping around the edge of the crust.
It is a shield, that has been through battle. See? Those are battle scars.

No, they are the "one inch slits in crust, to allow steam to vent."
(no response)


Is HE the Pie-man from Simple Simon? I always pictured him as being a lot less mean, ya know? Kind of chubby and happy.
(pouting/frowning)

I like his skirt, though.
Fuck you, man.






Extra deduction for leaving before I could do any Sparta/Spartan jokes. Wuss.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I sure do like pie.





--

Chinese Democracy

This is my friend Tracy. I have known her for years.
She is just like one of the guys, except she has a vagina, and boobs. She is cool.
Not just for the vagina and boob thing though.




Hey Tracy, heard you got a new tattoo. Let's see it
No fuckin' way. I am in no mood for your shit.

Come on...
No.

I promise I won't say anything about it.
Yeah, right. OK...say anything bad, and I will slap you.


It reminds me of that picture in LIFE magazine...
It is "Guns & Roses"

...of the hippies putting flowers in the soldier's guns... Wait, did you just say "Guns & Roses?"
Yes, Guns & Roses.

But it is just one gun, and one rose.
It is my Guns & Roses tattoo.

No, It is your "Gun and Rose" tattoo. You need another gun, and another rose.
See, this is why Jessica dumped you. You take everything so literally.

Jessica dumped me because I wouldn't stop smoking...or fucking Michelle. And this is why Tim dumped you. You do everything half-assed.
Did he say that?


No, he said he dumped you because you don't understand plurals.
I hate you.

Call me later...
You wish.





Extra deduction for not calling.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am going to pretend to like the new record no matter how bad it is.






--

Don't Ask--Don't Tell--Don't Matter

Celebrities love to tell the general public their sexual preferences, (doggy style is my favorite...FYI) and I suppose that a superhero is as "celebrity" as it gets...sort of.
Well, some of us have always suspected that Batman and Robin were more than just SuperFriends--they were downright creepy sometimes...usually... always.

Bruce Wayne was a super rich, handsome, single guy, who spent all of his time with "The Boy Wonder"--his pointless companion who lacked Super powers, but looked damn cute in his little panties. If not for Batman's gadgets...oh, hell...nevermind.

Do you remember where you were when you first heard that Lance Bass was gay? Remember?-- you were all like "Duh! I have known that since No Strings Attached was released." People have always wanted to know how other people get their swerve on...everyone wants to know who is hetero, homo or the mysterious omnisexual Bi. For celebrities, these revelations can make front page news. Sometimes, this can be shocking. Like that guy k.d. lang--when he announced that he was a fruit, I was like "Really? No way!"





Extra deduction for the wannabe shock factor that falls flat.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

"Holy Improbable Buttocks, Batman!"







--

Double Gobble

I met Grady in a little town called Vernon, Florida. Grady was missing his left arm, clear up to his elbow...just like Amos Moses. The weird thing was, most of the people I met there were missing a foot, or a hand, or something. I figured they just lived too close to some power lines, or some Gator had been making meals out of them for years, but Grady told me that he had done this to himself for an insurance scam. That is fucking dedication. You can fake a limp, but amputation is forever.


Grady was an avid Wild Turkey hunter....I like whiskey as much as any functional alcoholic, but he meant the actual animal. I told him that if he wanted turkey, I could run over to Subway, and get him a 12 inch sub (on his bread of choice, with chips, and a soda) for like 6 bucks. But he was more into the "mental contest" that is hunting. A turkey's brain is about the size of a walnut. Enjoy the challenge.










Extra deduction because that turkey looks nothing like the outline of my hand.









What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Happy Fuckin' Thanksgiving.








--

Jesus Chrysler

About 10 years ago Jason started dating a Latina gal named Maribel. She had the craziest, thinnest eyebrows I have ever seen. They looked like this: ~ ~


Jason suddenly discovered Hot Rods, and Jesus, and tried hard to embrace both. Sadly, he did not really "get" either of them, evidenced by his "Jesus, the Love Bug" tattoo.


We called Jason "Herbie" for a long time after he got his tattoo, which he hated. Then someone pointed out that the front end of it kind of looked like a smiling whale, so Jason is called "Willy" now. He hates that, too. I have always appreciated the irony of Jesus having a vanity plate.
It just seems so un-Jesusy.







Extra deduction for putting Jesus' name on a car that Satan would drive.
Jesus would probably drive something much more fuel efficient.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I love Jesus.
well... I mean, I'm not religious about it or anything...





--

Inappropriate is My Middle Name

When Blake first got this tattoo, we all thought it was supposed to be Tina Yothers. Maybe it is his Grandma? Maybe it is Tina Yothers' Grandma? I have never been sure. Blake is a wiseassy never-got-over-College type, who still throws lots of themed parties. He has been on a "Island-Calypso" kick lately. I went to one, for about 15 minutes, but left when I realized that his asshole buddies were organizing a Limbo contest. I don't like his asshole buddies, and besides, I know that I can't go that low.

Blake's tattoo is special, because I think it might be the first, and only case of a tattoo undergoing transgender surgery. I do give him credit in the realism department, because most tattoos of women in bikinis have large, gravity defying breasts, and stay away from the "old lady shoulder and underarms" look. Not Blake's... I guess he figured my future is now.






Extra deduction for reminding me of the Borat Mankini.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

When I say I beat off to your mom, I am not joking.








--

Jesus Miser

We were all sitting at the bar, telling lies, when Tommy came in, bragging about his new Jesus tattoo. After he showed it to us, we split into 2 camps--one thought it looked like Neptune or Poseidon, whichever you prefer...the other thought it looked like the dick from Nickelback.

After a few minutes, Neptune and Nickelback were joined by Hippie stickers of the sun, and Heat Miser. I also appreciate that Jesus has gotten rid of any pesky gray hair, by doing a lovely blue rinse. The one thing we DID agree on was that his prominent cheek pouches showed that this was an industrious Jesus, who was collecting seeds and nuts for the coming winter.






Extra deduction for the blue hair and beard. We all know that Jesus was a ginger ninja.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

...whatever I touch
turns to God in my clutch-
I'm too much!








--

Less Michael Moore

I met Josh in a bar in Lock Haven, Pennsyltucky. I was about a mile past drunk. He seemed to on the wrestling team at LHU. Or at least his jacket was.


"Hey...Man..HEY!!, Lemme see your tattoo."
"OK"

"That might be the best tattoo of a 'Homeless guy' I have ever seen. Actually, it might be the ONLY tattoo of a Bum I have ever seen. What made you"--
(interrupting) "It is Michael Moore, not a bum."

"Michael Moore? (synapses firing) michael moore?....OH!! You mean that homeless bum who makes movies. Gotcha."
"Dude, he is not a bum, he makes huge money. Quit being a fag."

"A fag? You roll around with dudes, wearing leotards, and I am the fag?"
"Yeah. You are the fag, Fag."

"Whoa--whoa...I just wanted to see your tattoo. Besides, I don't have a cute little leotard to put on."
(getting all puffed up) "You are lucky that you don't. I would destroy you."


"Yes...yes. No question. But, when we get back to your place--cover Michael up... it is going to be difficult for me to maintain a boner, with such an ugly face looking at me."


After he beat me up, we became BFFs, just like in the movies! I was able to let him know that his tattoo was great work...I just think it is dumb. And he was able to communicate that he disagrees with my opinion, he thinks that I am an asshole, and his kung fu is better than mine.




Extra deduction because if you needed to feel connected to Michael Moore, you could have just followed him on one of the social media sites. If you need to befriend a guy who needs a shave, and looks like he might smell bad-- here---Twitter, or myspace.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Weird things.







--

Cause Band-Aid's Stuck on Me

Angie was my ex-girlfriend's best friend. They had a ritual--every Friday they would go out, drink rummy fu-fu drinks--spin the little umbrellas, and talk shit about men. Then they would come back to our place, eat, puke, and pass out. There were a few nights, that it looked like we might have a ménage à trois but that never panned out. I do still have the occasional ménage à un thinking about it, though.

When I first saw Angie's tattoo, she called it a "Tiger-Lily"--I called it a bunch of Band-Aids, (ouchless) with some high school mascot on them. That is when we stopped being civil. She started to tell people what an asshole I am, and I proved her right by humming the "I am Stuck on Band-Aid" jingle whenever she was around, which may be Manilow's most haunting work.






Extra deduction for not believing me that Barry wrote that shit.
Don't fucking ask...






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

They hold on tight no matter what to fingers, toes and knees.





--

Jesus Pieces 2

When Marty showed me this tattoo, I thought it was a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts tattoo. I was puzzled about the jazz hands and pigeon toes, but I figured maybe it is from a song I am not familiar with...surely she had more than just the two that I know.

(pointing at his tattoo) "Big fan, huh?--I was never that into them, but I would've had sexual intercourse with her "
"Her?! This is for Him!"

"Him?! Who--Jeffrey Dahmer?"
"No! Not him...HIM"

"Ohhhhh, that Finnish band?"
"No, asshole--Jesus."

"Jesus?! When did they chop him up?"
"They didn't... It is the 5 Wounds of Christ"

"But it would be 10 wounds, now that they cut his his hands and feet off, and his heart out."
"Whatever-- Who did you mean, that you would have sex with?"

"What? Oh, no one--nevermind."
"No. WHO?"

"Your mom."
"You're sick."




Extra deduction for trying to make ME out to be the weirdo-- you are the one with body parts tattooed on you, Dexter.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

CSI:Jerusalem. Wednesday nights, at 9:00, only on CBS.









--

RIP G.I. Joe

When I was a little kid, I lived down the street from Aaron. Aaron was sort of my friend, until we were 6, and he "shaved" the hair, beard, and most of the lower jaw off of my G.I. Joe, which REALLY pissed me off. We fought...he drifted his asshole-y, beard-peeling way...and I was happy to see him go. All through grade school, we waged open battles against one another, such as the "Aaron Poops His Pants" campaign of 2nd grade, or the "Aaron has Cooties" movement...which led to the "Aaron is a fucking cocksucker" period, from 1978-Present.


When I saw his tattoo, it took me back to that fateful day in my backyard. His tattoo looks almost exactly like my defaced G.I. Joe...yeah Aaron-motherfucker- don't let me see you walking around. Some of my grudges seem petty--even to me--but not this one.




Extra deduction for starting this war.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I always wondered if he remembered that day-
Now I know--and knowing is half the battle.







--

Don't Play with Fire

Jason played guitar in the worst band I was ever in- Gut Feast...we played at parties, bar mitzvahs, and one very odd wedding. Crappy late '80s metal. We sucked. Like all teenage bands of the day, we were trying as hard as we could to sound like Slayer, without sounding like Slayer. This tattoo is supposed to show that Jay is a bad-ass, and that you had better not fuck with him--or else...

Or else he will unfurl upon you like the black-light poster that inspired this tattoo. And you know that a poster doesn't have to be very big to cause problems. You had better think twice...or ask a friend to help. Or just pay the extra 10 bucks for the framed one. But don't fuck with Jason. Or...








Extra deduction for all those guitar solos. Annoying arpeggio asshole.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am going to live with my parents until I am 30.









--

Maybe Its Maybelline

When you first pull off the main road, and onto Weldon's property, the first thing you notice is a big sign that lets you know that "If you can read this--you are in range", which is perforated with bullet holes. Weldon owns about 90 acres, in an undisclosed location in Central Texas. It used to be his Daddy's cattle ranch, but Weldon has converted it into a plantation that would have made Bob Marley proud, with a gun collection that would make Iraq nervous. The last time I went out there, he shot a tree not 10 inches from my head. For fun.

Did I freak the fuck out? Yep.
Did I say a word about it? Nope.

Weldon is what is commonly to referred in these parts as a crazy son of a bitch. He was voted Most Likely to Secede by his High School class. Although he has never served in any military organization, he is still fighting several wars, and I like for him to think of me as an ally. I told him once that his tattoo looked like lipstick, and I am lucky to still have 2 nipples, 10 fingers, and no extra holes in my body.






Extra deduction for the goofy font.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Watch for me on CourtTV...

















--

Articles?

What Sort Of Man Reads Playboy?--The man of discerning taste. He's his own man...a man of means who knows how to stand out in the crowd. He is the guy at the party who is mixing cocktails that are just right, ready to have a discussion about the hip iconoclasts of the day...like Orson Welles, Sammy Davis Jr., and Steve Allen. He likes to put some mood music on the Hi-Fi, and unwind. He is always a high-roller, no matter the stakes.

This is Todd...I mean "T-Money". He is reppin' South Central Council Bluffs, Iowa (Central Plains Love, Bee-yotch!!) Todd--er-- T-Money is one of only 482 Black people in the state of Iowa. He has dealt with his share of racial profiling, and knows that pimpin' ain't easy. He spends most of his time chasing White girls, working at the Sup'r-Sav'r grocery stizz-ore, and trying to make sure they don't catch him ridin' dirty.




Extra deduction for the dog leash bling-bling.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Bitch--Please!












--

Smell Ya Later!

Ahh Nadine...
She brought out the worst in me for 6 mutually destructive months. Our relationship was fueled by rage, jealousy, vodka, and about 10 pounds of coke. We finally split up because she said I never listened to her or something.

I always laughed at how the tattoo guy decided to edge the "water" up and off...to give it that photograph feel. The night I told her it looked like the mermaid was checking her deodorant was the first night I slept on the couch. I remember yelling through the bedroom door "You are right...that mermaid could NEVER put deodorant on with that HOOF!!!" It was all downhill from there.






Extra deduction for thinking that because I put you in here, I am trying to get in your pants again. I am married.





What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Another few years of sunlamps, and my shoulders will be ready to be made into handbags.








(Nadine...call me on my cellphone)
--

You Are My Sunshine

Jim used to hang around our band's practice room, AKA Russ' basement, and would try to do "sound checks" for us. One night, he even brought a strobe light, which made me dizzy, and nauseous. We were a crappy teenage metal band, that didn't have a singer, a regular bass player, or a name. We hardly needed a lightman/soundman. We needed practice....some talent would have helped, too. I had to explain to him after he re-tuned my drums once, that you don't touch a man's drums, wife, genitals, or Scotch, unless you have the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

Jim's tattoo sucked so hard that we all just kind of pretended it wasn't there. It became the horribly rendered, cross-eyed elephant on his upper arm...I don't know what/who that is supposed to be, or what that is on her forehead..she looks like she needs some sleep though. Those kooky eyes follow you around the room, too. It is pretty creepy.





Extra deduction for letting Ernie Bushmiller do your tattoo.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I live with my Grandma.













--

Zaius Christ

When Derek showed me this tattoo, I didn't know what to think. Was it a joke? Or did he really think J-Chrizzle looks that much like Dr. Zaius?

I decided to hem and haw for a while, and then just come right on out and ask him about it:


So...(hem)...Derek...(haw)...what the fuck is up with your tattoo?
What do you mean?

I mean, it looks like a sleestack...no!...it looks like Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, but with a bald head!
What? Fuck you, man. It is Jesus!

Nope, it is Cornelius. Cornelius-lookin'-muhfuckah. Let me get a picture of that... Have you seen my blog?
Don't you DARE try to put me in that stupid blog of yours!


Oh? You are my next entry...Dr Zaius...and you are going to be speaking in a tiny lavender font.
You are such an asshole.


Touche...



Extra deduction for having the shortest fuse on the planet...(of the Apes)
FUCK YOU!! I will "planet of the Apes" your fuckin' face!



What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

SUCH an asshole.








--

Ring Around the Rosy

Lauren is a school crossing guard who works the intersection up the road. I met her when I was taking my daily--well monthly constitutional. In the time it took for the light to turn green, I learned a few things about Lauren:
A) She has lots of tattoos.
B)She smoked Parliaments...and lots of 'em.
C) She got off work in 10 minutes.


Well, we went back to my place. I was trying to think of some suave lines, and when I turned to tell her to use an ashtray, I realized she was undressing, and using the ashtray. I appreciated both. I have never been one to kiss and tell, but, yeah...I fucked her...
But I make love to you.






Extra deduction for--Stop giving me that look. We have all made mistakes. It didn't mean anything!! Give me a break!! No, I am never going to see her again!!







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

It was good and dirty. I would do it again.






--