Sorry...About Your Daughter

I met Mike in the smoking area of Midway Airport, in Chicago. He was pretty much a total goober...the kind of guy who walks around singing George Thorogood songs, always dreaming about finding a box of money. We talked for about 30 minutes, but I was all fucked up on Valium, and Whiskey (only way I can get on a plane) and forgot most of our conversation.

Mike was an OK guy, and I feel bad for him. He either has the world's ugliest kid, or one of the shittiest tattoos ever.

Extra deduction for making me feel bad...fucker.
And I think he copped my lighter.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am not Courtney's biological father.



Jesus' Pieces

This tattoo is on a guy named Jeremy, whom I met in a bowling alley in Buffalo, NY.
I hated him from the moment I saw him. He had this tiny little (unnecessary) ponytail, and was wearing a US flag shirt, with track-suit pants. My hatred went beyond his choices in haberdashery and hairdo, however, when he started to brag about his backpiece, after he saw my tattoos.

I asked him to show it to me, and he did, proudly.

I asked him "Is that supposed to be Jesus? Or Shaggy?"
He answered "Jesus."
"Well, why does he have a black eye?"
"That is shading" he replied.
"Why does he have one eyebrow that grows down his nose?"
"That is the side of his nose...not his eyebrow."

"Why does his neck have a fur ruffle?"
"Dude..." He was getting pissed, but I was drunk, and didn't give a flying fuck.

"OK, but why does he have shredded lettuce on his head?"

Extra deduction for punching me really hard.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I think that Jesus spoke English.



Read 'Em and Weep

Bobby used to live downstairs from me, when I lived in that shithole apartment in Phoenix. He told everyone that he lived in Glendale, because he had a better chance of spelling it correctly,
and Bobby is all about the odds.
He used to always make up fake statistics, in an attempt to lend credibility to his bullshit stories.
He would never say "Most people do this" or "Some people do that"...with Bobbers it was always "78% of people do this" or "46% of people do that"...I disliked him 98% of the time.

When I asked him why the cards were out of order, and sort of turning into jigsaw puzzle pieces,
he said "Because 32% of life is the unknowable stuff, you know, like puzzles, an' shit, 59% of life is havin' the right cards, and the other 16% is party time."
When I asked him about the spelling errors, he said "Huh? whatever...it don't matter."

Extra deduction for English abuse.

What this tattoo says about the wearer (and the artist):

Books are for fags.



Whirled Peas

This tattoo is on my cousin's ex, Brandon, although he wants us to call him "Shroomz."
He is one of those hippie asshole types, a vegan in leather shoes.

He spends most of his time preaching these bizarre hippie rants about all the death and suffering
that goes on in the world. A glass of milk is bovine holocaust to him. Honey means trillions of bees forced into tiny stables, pumped full of hormones, until the honey is brutally ripped from their tiny little honey udders.

He claims that he was "Soooo wasted" when he got this tattoo. He doesn't understand that it is not how wasted YOU are that makes a tattoo bad. He got this tattoo to be different, just like everybody else.

Extra deduction for spelling, and penmanship.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:
Can I just crash on your couch for a few weeks?


Vato Loco

I first met Alejandro in a bar, in Nuevo Laredo. He was my contact from the Cartel del Golfo.
He was going to give me the keys to a van full of weed.
I was going to give him the keys to a car full of guns ( part of the "Guns for Drugs" exchange program--don't forget to wipe off your fingerprints).
My first thought when I met him was "that nice boy's face looks like the wall in the men's room, except I can read the graffiti in there."

Extra deduction for making an ear with no tattoos look, and seem silly.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have your wallet.



Tommy Used to Work on the Dock

Let us start with the obvious problem with these tattoos.
His back looks like some mulletty Camaro, all covered in bumper stickers. Some are slanting up, some down. Some look like total afterthoughts, which he then had to squeeze in.

I had not seen that image of Randy Rhoads since that last time I saw a "Creem" magazine. Ozzy was carrying him on his shoulders in that picture ( that is why there was only one set of footprints when he looked behind him---what? oh, wrong story) which explains Randy's butt looking so unbuttlike.
One should always avoid trading beer for tattoos, which surely is what happened here.

Extra deduction for omitting Manowar.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am from a really small town.



This tattoo makes me want to rub my eyes. It is an homage to NASCAR's Jeff Gordon.
Or, to be more specific, his cars, some checkered flags, and a trophy.

It is a well known fact that Jeff Gordon can talk to cars, just like Michael Knight, and the guys who drove Herbie, and Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang. We are just lucky that he uses his power only to help better mankind. I shudder to think what would happen if he turned evil.

Jeff Gordon has won national acclaim for his innate ability to turn left, and as such,
his cars should be poorly rendered on some hot mama's skin, and my friend Kat was just that hot mama. Some of you might notice that the lower strap is pretty low, indicating giant jugs...well
think "socks, with oranges in them" and you have a pretty good idea of what is on the other side.

Extra deduction for making your back look like a grade school boy's History folder.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am the woman mentioned here.



Tony Danza Extravaganza

Technically, this is a great tattoo. The artist truly captured the very essence of Danza, from his little-boy haircut (that might be the best tattoo of hair I have ever seen), to his goofwad grin. From his thought-lined forehead, to his foppish bow-tie.
It is little wonder he turned Danny Pintauro gay.

The biggest problem is that this is a Tony Danza talk-show era tattoo. If it was a "Taxi" era Danza, or even a "Who's the Boss" era one, he might not have even made the cut to be enshrined in these hallowed pages.
Nah, I am full of shit. Any Danzatoo will get you in. How the fuck did that guy make it?
He is like Lionel Richie...I don't know a single person who likes him, but somehow, he has succeeded.

Extra deduction for making the poor artist spend HOURS on a portrait of Tony Fucking Danza.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I knock em dead with my Danza imitation ad nauseum:

"Angela! Samantha! Mona!"



Jesus Belli

Here we see Jesus in the rarely discussed 20th station of the Cross, after the dingoes et his lower half, and his beard, hair, nipples, and facial skin (ouch!) but in spite of all that, his pecs and abs still remain wonderfully intact.

This tattoo is really more a cry for help, than a statement. The giant spike in Jesus' stomach represents the wearer's hunger for knowledge. The lack of facial skin represents his thirst for
beauty. The lack of hands represents how he was touched by understanding for his fellow man. The skull and guts represent his love for GWAR.

Extra deduction for making JC look all roadkilly.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Dude, I was SOOO wasted last night. Jagerbombs are the SHIT.



Last Place in the Aryan Race

This is Marlon. AKA #107-946.
He is looking for a nice woman, to share the finer things in life, like letters to one another, and rape-y conjugal visits. He sure loves Hitler, but his heart has room for one more. He is an avid lepidopterist, who also likes attending riots, burning crosses, and croquet.
No smokers, fatties, jews, blacks, asians, arabs, hippies, goths, latinas, democrats, canadians, moms, or uglies. Druggies OK.

Hurry, ladies, before someone else snatches this gem!

Extra deduction for giving up your entire back, for a Hitler tattoo, and a swastika.
You douchebag.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have developed a taste for the black cock here in prison.


Cousin Itt?

A magnificently coiffed Chewbacca head, that will be invisible once that wall of hair grows back. I was unaware of the growing popularity of tattoos, in the Yeti community. Live and learn.

Chewie has clearly switched to Garnier Fructis Fortifying Shampoo with essential oils
that control frizz, while providing body, shine, and bounce.

Extra Deduction for getting a tattoo that is 97% hair, when you are a Sasquatch.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Damn, I am a hairy bastard.


Are You Maddox at Me?

Yep, that is a tattoo of Maddox Jolie Pitt. Not bad work either. Just dumb.
Why would anyone get that tattooed on them? Dunno.
For me, the only relevant question for this person is:
What are you---fucking retarded?

Extra deduction for thinking this would be acceptable. Restraining orders are probably appropriate.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am where "nutjob fan" meets "deranged scary stalker."


Vitruvian Jesus

This tattoo shows the workout that Jesus did,to get in shape prior to the whole cross thing.
Abs like his don't just happen. And, again, check out the pecs on that savior. Feel the burn!

Holy Calisthenic images are fairly rare, especially dick and balls naked ones. But you can see the focus...the commitment...the drive to succeed etched on his face...
No pain-no gain!!

Extra deduction for depicting Jesus as a over- muscled meathead.
Jesus was not a linebacker. He was a skinny hippie.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Jesus loves me thiiiis much.



Who's the Mack?

I am not sure about this tattoo...it looks like a rubber-armed Home Alone era Mac Culkin (he is Mac now...don't call him Macaulay, or he will rip open your fucking esophagus with his teeth)
..sitting on an invisible lap, wearing pink fuzzy slippers, and little boy PJs.

But is that a skeleton-armed Christina Ricci behind him? Angelica Huston?
Michael Jackson?

Jesus, I think it is supposed to be Michael Jackson. I guess the one saving grace of this tattoo
is that Michael Jackson does look like a white lady, now.

I am not a fan of 'kitschy" tattoos. Especially not cute ones. Especially not ironic, dated ones.

Extra deduction for the feeble attempt at funny & cute. Grow a pair, pal.
This tattoo sucks, because at the end of the day, regardless of how cool
we are supposed to think the wearer must be, it is still a tattoo of Michael Jackson,
and Mac Culkin.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I try to sound "hip" by constantly stating that Bleach was a better record than Nevermind.



She Loves Me Not---She Loves Me

Here we have the tattoos of a woman who will steal your last dollar from your wallet, while you sleep it off, but she won't use that dollar to buy formula for the baby...she will buy herself one of those fancy coffee drinks from that College-boy coffee shop over by the
Interstate, just so she could feel "special". She can't even pronounce the name
of the damn drink (she calls it a "Macchio-ato" like it is made from the Karate Kid, and tomato)
And then she will try to get one of them coffee-shop boys to buy some of her pills that she takes, and she will end up fucking him in the manager's office. Again.

Nikita, Angel, and little Caleb's dads have all worked in that damn shop.

Extra deduction for filming it. And showing it to everyone.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am evil poison...a tainted demon witch of a whore.

Hell, girl...I still love you, too. Come on home.



Feeling Cagey

"King of the Cage"...

So...um...yeah. You are pretty into Mixed Martial Arts....um...and fire? Or are those
big, cartoony "Y"s on his cheeks?

This is one of those "even if it was a quality tattoo, done
by a quality artist, it would still suck"tattoos.

Facial tattoos are rarely a good idea. This one is no exception.

Bluish flames with that shade of eyes?

Extra deduction for shaving your eyebrows. They will thank you for that in a very Einsteiny way, someday.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am batshit crazy.



Patriot Games

Ok...for this one, I have to show you the actual image...so you can truly appreciate this tattoo, which must have been applied on a roller-coaster.

That shit isn't even close. It is like he knew what it looked like, sort of,
and went ahead and tattooed it. But for some reason, he put the cleft on the cheek, rather
than on his chin.And gave him some bizarre cloak-poncho...with anemone like protrusions.

Tattooing from memory is never a good idea. If, as an "artist" that is the best football you could
have drawn, I suggest you learn a new trade, like pizza delivery.

Extra deduction for being a Patriots fan.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am blind.


Romper Room Stomper

We are going to ignore the schwag on his skinny arms, and focus on his melon.

"I'll Kill You."

Is this a cry for help? Or is it the ultimate open-ended threat?
(It would be one thing if it said " I'll Kill You" followed by "If You Make Me Mad"...
or "Someday"...
or even "Soon".)

Extra deduction for the faux tough guy image that he is trying to project...
this asshole couldn't kill time.
Skinhead douchebag...the toughest guy on Grandma's papasan.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I got my ass kicked a lot in school.



Which one?

This is another finely crafted, and skillfully applied tattoo that is only here
because it is a dumb tattoo, and dumb tattoo= bad tattoo.

I can only assume he means the president of the USA,
and not the president of Dartmouth (James Wright, for those keeping score at home)

or the president of Pella Windows (Mel Haught, a lovely man, by all accounts)

although if the tattoo is referring to Ralph Alvarez, of McDonald's I might understand (make the Shamrock Shake a year round menu item, you son of a bitch!)

Extra deduction for making good artist do prison-y tattoo.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have never voted for anything except for Bo on Idol.


The Incredible HULK

Hmm...a hyper-muscular, hyper-mustachioed Hulk Hogan backpiece...well, Hulk's upper half anyways...but he seems to have contracted polio, and his legs and waist have shriveled up.

This tattoo sucks. Hulk's waist is smaller than his biceps, and his torso is far too short.

You can tell from the hourglass figure of his back, that like Hulk, he is kind of a health nut.

Extra deduction for making me feel guilty, for picking on the fat, geeky guy.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a fat, geeky guy.


Then Everyone Would be in Love with Me

This is one of those self-deprecating tattoos that is sure to backfire, eventually.

One hopes that he is trying to be clever, and really has an "average" schlong,
but someone is going to call that bluff someday,and this guy is going to hear those
3 little words:

"It IS small."

Extra deduction for spelling, and for the dick thing again.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I can't spell, and I am going to disappoint you, later.



Made you Wince

Well, we have a perfect soul mate for our friend, but where to start?

I guess I should start with the pubic baboonish thing, with the tiger striped dick-tongue. Did you notice it? Of course you did.
You are squirming in your chair right now, trying to figure out which hurt more...
the 12 or so hours of dick tattoo time, or the giant dick ring.

Extra deduction for the fact that his dick looks like a flat tire.
And for making me think about his dick for the 10 minutes it took to post this.
I am going to grab my wife's tits.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Some people like vanilla...this guy likes rocky-road.


Eric the Red

This tattoo was found on one of those "Ice-men" (you know... the Geico cavemen who were
frozen in ice, and they found them, and thawed them out, and they all had tattoos)
so, in it's defense, this tattoo is prehistoric...right?

It is on a modern homo sapien.
It is less than 20 years old.

Extra deduction for the rash.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I will take ANY pill I find.



Round Here

I am pretty sure that is supposed to be Adam Duritz.
"Why" you might be axskin??
The only logical conclusion, is that he lost a bet.

Extra deduction for the "Straight Edge"... WTF is it with straight edgers, that they feel
the need to get it tattooed on them?
I never once thought that "Weed-Fiend"or "Drunken Idiot" or "Coke-Head" would be a good tattoo,
and I am the one who is always high!!

What this tattoo says about the wearer:
I spend 98% of my time with just
Mr. Jones and Me.


Vagina Dentata

Father John was right...they DO have teeth!!

This is off the charts wacky. I have been around several blocks,

but this would still be off-putting.

She does earn "trooper" points (that had to hurt like HELL) however, she now has

the creepiest pudenda I have ever seen.

Extra deduction for turning light into darkness.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

My freak flag waves fucking high.



My Heart will Go On

It is Celine Dion, captured at the very moment that she had a massive stroke, but with
John Stamos' hair.
This tattoo sucks on many different levels.
The idea.
The execution.
Did I say the idea?

Portrait work can be tricky. Your artist has to know what he/she is doing, or else you run the risk of ending up with a no-neck, Teen-Wolf coiffed, version of the French Canadian "beauty".

I am not even going to mention her hand.
Yes I am.
Why is it so tan?

Extra deduction for everything. This tattoo represents all that is wrong in the world today.
This is a fucking tattoo blog. Celine Dion has no business here. I hope we never see her here again.

What the tattoo says about the wearer:

It screams "LOSER" loud and clear.


Under 17 Not Admitted

Look at this bizarre badge motif of "the Prophets [of the] Lord"...

I recognize Kenny Loggins , I think I see Colonel Sanders, the guy who played Larry Tate, Santa Claus, Orville Reddenbacher, and John Lithgow, and is that Buddy Holly in the lower left?

I was unaware that so many of the apostles wore glasses (which explains why people were reluctant to embrace Christianity--[men don't make passes et c].)

Extra Deduction for having 17 different white guys tattooed so that your back looks like a game of "Concentration".
And you had better only have one eye...

What this tattoo says about the owner:

I am a fatalist, who communicates most of my bumper-sticker "wisdom"
through cliches.



"Hello? Hey, mom....Yeah, New York City is great....I am doing really well....How is Dad?

well, I am having a little trouble finding a job"

Extra deduction for tattooing a fucking checkerboard on his fucking face!
I actually hope that this is fake...and that is magic marker.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I know all 73 household inhalants that will get you high.


My keyboard doesn't have an "ANY" key...

"Oh wow man, is that the Microsoft blue screen of death text? OH man, it looks just like my

Is he gone?

His tattoo sucks.
That doesn't sit well there. If you HAD to get this, why on the inner arm?
Why not on part of you that looks vaguely "screeny"...like your back, or stomach?

Better yet, just buy a t-shirt of this(I have seen them at Target), and never get it tattooed anywhere.

Extra deduction for utter lack of shelf life/staying power.
This tattoo will be obsolete in a few short years, and then he will have a lifetime of explaining the text on his entire fucking inner arm.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a Community College dropout.



You Da' BOMB

Oh, boy.
A 'dynamite strapped around my waist' tattoo. Isn't he clever.

Uh-oh...only one second left...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

Actually, I thought this was some weird belt, or a fanny-pack with books attached to it when I first saw it (but then I noticed his REAL belt) but then I figured "who would get a fanny-pack tattooed on them", and I looked a little closer.

A fanny-pack would be cooler.

Extra deduction for the idea. This should have never come this far.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I still wet the bed.


Too much TIME on his hands

Yikes. So much for gang-bangers keeping a low profile.
I hope he was shooting for "creepy", because that is what he got.

Extra deduction for scaring the shit out of people, and making yourself un-parole-able.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I got a Life Sentence!


The EAGLE has landed

Yet another creepy disembodied animal head.
Icarus here flew into window that had an American flag on it.
Or is that an eagle head, that has a tattoo on it?
A tattoo within a tattoo...a tattattootoo if you will.
Well, I for one do not care for birds.
I do not like they way they look at me, like they are always saying "Fuck you, man."

But, this guy is trying to tell us through his double symbolism,( a la DaVinci Code) that he is the most American American.

American squared.

Hell, an eagle AND a US flag.
What a Patriot!

What a hero!

Extra deduction for the whole chicken with head cut off vibe.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I collect "Support Our Troops" paraphernalia.
It has been a long time since I touched a woman, appropriately.



And the HORSE you rode in on

So, a creepy horse head, with the American flag, that looks more like blood, with coquettish bangs.
I understand, that horses are pretty, but...
If you squint just right, you can see the horse's leg behind this.

Extra deduction for having a tattoo that looks like Sarah-Jessica Parker.

What this tattoo says about the owner:

I spend most of my time at swap meets.


Grin ,and BEAR it

Very sad.
That is some dark, uncoveruppable shit there.
Hour upon hour of getting brown tattooed over all that black. Looks like a giant birthmark.

And somehow, even in a field of all those darks, the eyes still look flat. This tattoo sucks.
I feel kinda sorry for this guy.
His backpiece sucks. Hard.

Extra deduction for letting someone tattoo your entire fucking back, who had so little artistic talent.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have never actually seen a real bear.


NO DOUBT about it

I will concede that the artist who applied this tattoo does reasonably good portrait work.
But, come on...a "No Doubt" 3/4 backpiece?
And the Gwen "I'ma busta cap in yo ass" pose?
Someone should have talked him/her out of this tattoo.

Extra deduction for the whole thing. Members of No Doubt wouldn't even get this tattoo.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am going to totally stalk Gwen Stefani someday.



Just PLANE Stupid

Absolutely not.
Totally unacceptable.

Extra deduction for the fact that "Snakes on a Plane" was a really shitty movie. Probably.
I only watched about 20 minutes of it.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a big loser.
I couldn't get laid in a nickel whorehouse, with a roll of quarters.


Separation of Church and State

I can't tell if this is Pro or Anti America?
Or is that the Texas state flag? Or is it Porty Rico?

Poor Jesus, with the gimp flipper arms. With the spike through his elbow. He does have some impressive pecs, though. Jesus was in great shape.

Extra deduction for the whole dumb idea. The fact that it is a profile, does not add "clever" points.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I just got hired at Wendy's.


Is that a PISTOL in your Pocket?

Whatever. (rolls eyes)

The Abercrombie and Fitch kids are tired of being pussies.

Extra deduction for the Criss Angel influence.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I think I am the coolest, hardest, guy ever, but I still live at my Mom's.

I am way into comic books. I only date girls who are still in high school.


I would like to buy a vowel

Yes, I am sure you are...but your tattoo artist sucks.

Extra Huge Deduction for taking off shirt to allow this photo to be taken.

Surely one of his friends has noticed...

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I will be happily working at WAL-MART forever.


Behind the 8-BALL


Even if it had been done by a skilled tattoo artist, it would still suck.

Extra deduction because you KNOW this guy is a loser. He probably owes you 20 bucks.

what this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a nubby, little meth-head.


Always after Me LUCKY Charms

Yes, Lucky You.
As lucky as the last few hundred guys.
Like striking gold. Well, more like finding a nickel.

She has seen more dicks than a urinal.
I wonder if the pink around the lettering is supposed to blend in with the stretch marks?
Or accentuate them?
Or did they leave that unspoken?

Extra deduction for the fact that she really didn't have to be snapper-flappin' naked to show this tattoo, and because that is some poor kid's mom.

Sorry, Kiddo. Sucks bein' you.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I fuck on the first date.



Mr. Cool Ice. He is so ICE, they wrote it twice. (actually, it looks like they wrote it about 6 times.)

He thinks he gets more and more badass, with each new addition. He is about 5'4".

Extra deduction for the douchebag pose.

What this tattoo says about the owner:
I spent 3 months in youth detention, for vandalism, but I like to tell people I did hard time.
I like to get high, but I never have drugs.