We Salute You

One of the funny things about having lots of visible tattoos, is that suddenly, you are the sounding board for tattoo ideas. Strangers constantly tell me about tattoos they want to get... or thought about once... or they know a guy who has something cool tattooed...

Another funny thing, is that lots of these people, are the super-established square dude type. The former 'straight A' students LOVE to reminisce about that time in college when they smoked a bong before class, or that month that they didn't shave, or the copious amounts of beer they consumed in their "wild" days. It is like they want you to know that they have a little renegade in them.

Phil is my dentist. His tattoo is amazing. Really solid design, and the linework is very well done.
This is one of the best tattoos I have ever seen.


Extra deduction for perfection...if that is possible.



What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Nothing bad at all.








Don't forget to floss

Mom keeps giving me turtlenecks.

I used to be in a band with Matt. We did grindcore versions of Neil Diamond songs (we were called "I am I Said"...the world was not ready for us) Matt always modified words incorrectly...passing a joint to the right was "traditionary" and doing something to help someone else was "unselfishism". I am pretty sure he had ADHD, but he may just have been a tweaker.

For the first 8 months he had the neck text, the star that attempts to cover his shame was not there, and yes, it covers an "A". Matt left the band after Pete, our bass player, wrote on his neck "For those I love, I will sacrete"(sic) in magic marker.




Extra deduction for trying to play that shit off.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am all bark, and no bite.










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Whirled Peas

This tattoo is on my cousin's ex, Brandon, although he wants us to call him "Shroomz."

He is one of those hippie asshole types, a vegan in leather shoes.

He spends most of his time preaching these bizarre hippie rants about all the death and suffering

that goes on in the world. A glass of milk is bovine holocaust to him. Honey means trillions of bees forced into tiny stables, pumped full of hormones, until the honey is brutally ripped from their tiny little honey udders.

He claims that he was "Soooo wasted" when he got this tattoo. He doesn't understand that it is not how wasted YOU are that makes a tattoo bad. He got this tattoo to be different, just like everybody else.

Extra deduction for spelling, and penmanship.

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

Can I just crash on your couch for a few weeks?

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Tommy Used to Work on the Dock

Oh...wow.
Let us start with the obvious problem with these tattoos.
Alignment.
His back looks like some mulletty Camaro, all covered in bumper stickers. Some are slanting up, some down. Some look like total afterthoughts, which he then had to squeeze in.

I had not seen that image of Randy Rhoads since that last time I saw a "Creem" magazine. Ozzy was carrying him on his shoulders in that picture ( that is why there was only one set of footprints when he looked behind him---what? oh, wrong story) which explains Randy's butt looking so unbuttlike.
One should always avoid trading beer for tattoos, which surely is what happened here.










Extra deduction for omitting Manowar.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am from a really small town.











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Last Place in the Aryan Race

This is Marlon. AKA #107-946.
He is looking for a nice woman, to share the finer things in life, like letters to one another, and rape-y conjugal visits. He sure loves Hitler, but his heart has room for one more. He is an avid lepidopterist, who also likes attending riots, burning crosses, and croquet.
No smokers, fatties, jews, blacks, asians, arabs, hippies, goths, latinas, democrats, canadians, moms, or uglies. Druggies OK.



Hurry, ladies, before someone else snatches this gem!





Extra deduction for giving up your entire back, for a Hitler tattoo, and a swastika.
You douchebag.




What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have developed a taste for the black cock here in prison.






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She Loves Me Not---She Loves Me

Here we have the tattoos of a woman who will steal your last dollar from your wallet, while you sleep it off, but she won't use that dollar to buy formula for the baby...she will buy herself one of those fancy coffee drinks from that College-boy coffee shop over by the
Interstate, just so she could feel "special". She can't even pronounce the name
of the damn drink (she calls it a "Macchio-ato" like it is made from the Karate Kid, and tomato)
And then she will try to get one of them coffee-shop boys to buy some of her pills that she takes, and she will end up fucking him in the manager's office. Again.

Nikita, Angel, and little Caleb's dads have all worked in that damn shop.








Extra deduction for filming it. And showing it to everyone.














What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am evil poison...a tainted demon witch of a whore.

Hell, girl...I still love you, too. Come on home.









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Romper Room Stomper

We are going to ignore the schwag on his skinny arms, and focus on his melon.

"I'll Kill You."


Is this a cry for help? Or is it the ultimate open-ended threat?
(It would be one thing if it said " I'll Kill You" followed by "If You Make Me Mad"...
or "Someday"...
or even "Soon".)



Extra deduction for the faux tough guy image that he is trying to project...
this asshole couldn't kill time.
Skinhead douchebag...the toughest guy on Grandma's papasan.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I got my ass kicked a lot in school.









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Which one?

This is another finely crafted, and skillfully applied tattoo that is only here
because it is a dumb tattoo, and dumb tattoo= bad tattoo.

I can only assume he means the president of the USA,
and not the president of Dartmouth (James Wright, for those keeping score at home)

or the president of Pella Windows (Mel Haught, a lovely man, by all accounts)

although if the tattoo is referring to Ralph Alvarez, of McDonald's I might understand (make the Shamrock Shake a year round menu item, you son of a bitch!)




Extra deduction for making good artist do prison-y tattoo.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I have never voted for anything except for Bo on Idol.











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Then Everyone Would be in Love with Me

This is one of those self-deprecating tattoos that is sure to backfire, eventually.

One hopes that he is trying to be clever, and really has an "average" schlong,
but someone is going to call that bluff someday,and this guy is going to hear those
3 little words:

"It IS small."


Extra deduction for spelling, and for the dick thing again.






What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I can't spell, and I am going to disappoint you, later.










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Round Here

I am pretty sure that is supposed to be Adam Duritz.

"Why" you might be axskin??

The only logical conclusion, is that he lost a bet.

Extra deduction for the "Straight Edge"... WTF is it with straight edgers, that they feel

the need to get it tattooed on them?

I never once thought that "Weed-Fiend"or "Drunken Idiot" or "Coke-Head" would be a good tattoo,

and I am the one who is always high!!

What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I spend 98% of my time with just

Mr. Jones and Me.



.

--

My keyboard doesn't have an "ANY" key...

"Oh wow man, is that the Microsoft blue screen of death text? OH man, it looks just like my
screen."

Is he gone?

His tattoo sucks.
That doesn't sit well there. If you HAD to get this, why on the inner arm?
Why not on part of you that looks vaguely "screeny"...like your back, or stomach?

Better yet, just buy a t-shirt of this(I have seen them at Target), and never get it tattooed anywhere.




Extra deduction for utter lack of shelf life/staying power.
This tattoo will be obsolete in a few short years, and then he will have a lifetime of explaining the text on his entire fucking inner arm.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a Community College dropout.










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NO DOUBT about it

I will concede that the artist who applied this tattoo does reasonably good portrait work.
But, come on...a "No Doubt" 3/4 backpiece?
No.
And the Gwen "I'ma busta cap in yo ass" pose?
Someone should have talked him/her out of this tattoo.



Extra deduction for the whole thing. Members of No Doubt wouldn't even get this tattoo.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am going to totally stalk Gwen Stefani someday.











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Just PLANE Stupid

Absolutely not.
Totally unacceptable.



Extra deduction for the fact that "Snakes on a Plane" was a really shitty movie. Probably.
I only watched about 20 minutes of it.








What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I am a big loser.
I couldn't get laid in a nickel whorehouse, with a roll of quarters.






--

I would like to buy a vowel

Yes, I am sure you are...but your tattoo artist sucks.


Extra Huge Deduction for taking off shirt to allow this photo to be taken.

Surely one of his friends has noticed...







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I will be happily working at WAL-MART forever.

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Always after Me LUCKY Charms

Yes, Lucky You.
As lucky as the last few hundred guys.
Like striking gold. Well, more like finding a nickel.

She has seen more dicks than a urinal.
I wonder if the pink around the lettering is supposed to blend in with the stretch marks?
Or accentuate them?
Or did they leave that unspoken?

Extra deduction for the fact that she really didn't have to be snapper-flappin' naked to show this tattoo, and because that is some poor kid's mom.

Sorry, Kiddo. Sucks bein' you.







What this tattoo says about the wearer:

I fuck on the first date.

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ICE ICE Baby

Mr. Cool Ice. He is so ICE, they wrote it twice. (actually, it looks like they wrote it about 6 times.)

He thinks he gets more and more badass, with each new addition. He is about 5'4".

Extra deduction for the douchebag pose.








What this tattoo says about the owner:
I spent 3 months in youth detention, for vandalism, but I like to tell people I did hard time.
I like to get high, but I never have drugs.

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